Raya prep

Is it just me, or does it feel like Ramadhan only started like 2 hours ago? Time just whizzed by, man. Suddenly we all have just a week left till Raya. Is this even real?!

I trust that everyone's getting their Raya preparations underway by now. I literally just realised that I have none of my outfits ready with me. A skirt is with my tailor, two outfits are sent for alteration, and I'm still waiting for my last-minute parcel from Zalora. *low-key panics* (Yeah, I have four sets of outfits this year. Is this a normal number? Anyone???)

Actually the initial plan was to have just one new outfit for the first morning of Raya (because it's sunnah to have a new outfit for the first day!) and just recycle my old outfits for the other days. Because, well, I keep on getting new outfits for Raya and only wear them once or twice, and then they just stay in my wardrobe – because hello, who wears a nice baju kurung/dress on a normal day??? There are no nice events for me to attend and dress up for. I've been volunteering to go to weddings with my parents but they always halau me hahaha so how leh? And none of my friends are getting married yet! Ugh. Guys please just hurry up and kahwin and invite me to your wedding okay, some of my baju kurungs and dresses need some serious lovin'. If nothing comes up in the near future, I might just wear my baju kurung to the mall one day. Or, you know, dress up to watch TV at home. Which sort of reminds me of three of my favourite girlfriends:

So guys. Please.

Anyway, getting back on track........... So yeah. Supposedly just one new outfit. But then one thing led to another (doesn't it always?), and tadaaaaaaa: now I have four. Hehe. It's alright. I'll try again next year. InsyaAllah.

I can't wait to see everyone looking glam and handsome in their Raya outfits! Ladies in baju kurungs and men in baju Melayu's and sampin(g)s? Yes, please!

Have a good preparation guys, but don't forget to utilise these last few nights of Ramadhan fully! xx

The hug that I never came home to

Five months. I hadn’t seen my grandmother for five months. I was so excited to come home and see her, hug her, eat her superb cooking, bully her, and gurau with her like I always do. Did.

I missed her voice. I missed hearing her scolding the kids. Laughing with her and at her. Having conversations with her and my mum’s side of the family over dinner on Friday nights. Dropping in at her house when I run some errands and was passing by the neighbourhood. Getting scolded by her for laughing so much that I couldn’t finish telling my story, but then she would end up laughing along anyway.

Five months. I couldn’t wait to come home for the summer. The first thing I was going to do on my first morning back in Malaysia was to go to her house and shout “Neneeeeekkk!!!” like I always do. Did.

But, as eager as I was to see her, it had turned out that God was even more eager than I was. I’d missed my Nenek, but I guess He missed her more.

I was walking in Bayswater with Syazwan last Wednesday when I received a text saying that Nenek had passed away. “Nenek mana?” I replied. Denial. As if there was another person that I call ‘Nenek’. I didn’t want to believe it. It was too surreal. My family and I were going to fly home in 3 days; I only had 3 days left till I could see her. But that was that. Ajal tak menunggu sesiapa.

Alhamdulillah, we managed to catch the first flight home the next day, but it obviously wasn’t soon enough; we couldn’t make it in time for the funeral. It felt like the longest 13 hours of my life, but the thing about a long journey is that for those 13 exhausting hours, you can put reality on hold for a bit. Nothing feels real.

But then again, another thing about journeys is that they always come to an end. Soon after we landed, we made our way straight to my grandmother’s house. Straight to reality. And no matter how much I tried to prepare myself for it, the closer we got to the house, the more I panicked inside. I broke down right in front of the gate. "Fatin taknak masuk," I kept crying to my dad. Nothing can ever prepare you for the loss of a loved one. Especially if it is unexpected. But ultimately, to Allah we belong and to Him we shall return.

“To Allah belongs what He took and to Him belongs what He gave.” Rahimah sent me that. I will forever be grateful to Allah for giving me you, Nenek. You are one of the greatest gifts in our lives. You were a loan to us all and now your Owner has called you home. I’m devastated that we couldn’t be there to see you, kiss you, and hug you before you left us. I never got the chance to tell you that I love you, and ask for your forgiveness... I never even got to kiss you one last time and say the last goodbye. But Allah knows best and His plans are perfect, so I accept His decree. Susah, tapi redha. Everything happens for a reason.

I love you so much, Nenek, but Allah loves you more. He loves you more. InsyaAllah one day, I’ll see you again in Heaven and get that hug that I’ve missed so much; that hug that I didn't have the chance to come home to.

Exam period

Hiiii! I'm here! I wish I can say that I've been MIA (from this blog) for so long because I've been really busy studying, but..... it's 40% studying and 60% procrastinating, unfortunately. Gotta step up my game (!!!) but ehmagerdsss I'm still in the process of getting my full-on study mojo back. To be honest I think I'd left a great deal of it in KY... But it's coming back, insyaAllah. Amiiiin!

I wanted to write about my recent trip to Portugal for spring break but I've been having trouble syncing the pictures from my phone to my laptop. Can't (and don't want to) blog about the trip without pictures! I'm really excited to share our travel tales but between that and the upcoming exams, I'm gonna have to put the blogpost on hold for a while.

Anyway, all the best to everyone sitting for exams! My prayers are with you. Please pray for me as well, o' you kind souls out there! Get as much rest as you can and more importantly, eat well!!! No excuses! Take care guys xxxxx

Mimpikita

If you know me well enough, you'd know that I am the laziest creature when it comes to dressing up for my lectures. Really the only reason why I even bother to make myself look presentable is because I have to go through half of London (I exaggerate) to get to uni. And when I say 'presentable', I mean jeans and a sweater and my Doc Marts (especially since term times are always around the cold season). I am very selekeh and (on very cold days) my bubble jacket does not make me look any better either. But then again I usually have only 2 hours of class in a day, so why waste a good outfit on a short and boring day in uni, right.

But last Thursday I put on extra effort to go to lecture (i.e. flats, a nice blouse and a bit more makeup je hahaha you guys have no idea how selekeh I look on normal days) sebaaaaab Mimpikita were in town! They had a pop-up shop in London just for a day to showcase their pre-spring collection and I was so excited, especially because it was literally a 10-minute walk from my uni.

I went with my girl friends straight after lecture. Don't know how long we were there sebab each of us tried on at least one Mimpikita piece. Haha it was like playing dress up! I really liked their structured lace blouse and pastel trench coat and floral coat but haihhh duit tak tumbuh kat pokok...

It was really nice though trying on the outfits and meeting the Mimpikita sisters in the flesh. They're so friendly and warm. Apparently they're gonna have a couple more pop-up shops in London later this year! I hope they'll think about bringing in pieces from their bridal collection. Hihi. To be honest, I'm already considering to have them design my future wedding dress hahahah (#MimpiFatin) but all in good time, my love, insyaAllah.

Nurul & Mira

Anyway, I hope everyone's doing great. I'm currently in my last week of lectures for my second year (already?!) (but thank God) and I'm just already sooo tired. I have lost my motivation to do my coursework at the moment – hence the blogpost. Can't wait for my spring breakkk!!!

The words of a friend

https://safaabh.wordpress.com/

It's amazing how another person can string words together and capture the essence of what you feel in a particular moment. How s/he can explain your feelings better than you can. There is a certain kind of joy that I feel when I read something that perfectly describes what I'd been trying so hard to find the words to explain.

This poem was beautifully written by a dear friend of mine, and I really could not agree more with her.

If a friend comes to you to confide about their problems, or sorrows, or struggles, or worries, sometimes, all you need to do is listen. "I'm all ears." So be. You don't necessarily have to give out advice, unless that's what they came to you for. There's no need to give them solutions to their problems either. Sometimes that's not what they want, although you might think that that's what they need.

Console them with comforting words, but don't tell them: "Some people have it worse, you know." Don't. That doesn't solve anything. That line does not magically make their troubles disappear. The only thing it will do is drive your friend away from ever confiding in you again. By saying that line, it's as if you're telling them that they're not supposed to feel sad, because other people have larger problems. That their problems don't matter in the big scheme of things.

Some people also tend to turn the conversation around and talk about how they went through a really rough patch and survived. Why? Why do you do that? What do you expect your friend to say to you then? "Congratulations"? "That's great, I wish I was more like you"? The storm will pass as it always does, but your friend's still getting through theirs. Hold their hand and be there for them instead of telling them how you'd braved through yours. Your friend came to you for someone to listen to their problems, not for you to talk about yours.

Everyone has their own struggles in life. In spite of that, or maybe because of it, the relativity of it all cannot void anyone's pain... if that makes sense.

Don't invalidate people's feelings and troubles just because you've had it worse and came out unscathed. In Safaa's words, "don't make it about you."

Letting go

They say you write when you're sad. It can be depressing to those who read and I apologise for that, but it is kind of therapeutic to channel out the sadness somehow when you have too much pride to go to your friends and talk it out. Because sometimes, you feel like your problems aren't big enough or worthy enough for their time. And sometimes, you just don't want someone to tell you to 'pick yourself up and march on because life goes on'. Sometimes, you just want to embrace your sadness for a little bit.

So this is one of those times. I am here because it's easier to write about this than talk about it to someone. I am here because my heart aches, and this is why.

One of the many many things that I am very bad at, is letting go. Which is pretty 'convenient' for someone who is also easily attached – to people, to moments, to places, to objects. I don't know if there is a good side to it at all, but if there is, I can't see it. And I've tried looking.

I don't know why I find it so hard to let go of things. It is a weakness more than anything. It is something that I have been trying for a very long time to overcome, but the more I try, the more I realise that it may just be one of those things that you have to accept and live with. Letting go has never been easy for me no matter what it is in regards to – a person, a car, a favourite shirt, my childhood bed, you name it. Others may find it petty and pathetic, but feelings are feelings and I can only ignore them or hide them for so long.

Once I get attached to something or someone, I automatically develop a fear of losing them. I hate that it makes me so vulnerable, but try as I might, I can't stop it.

I wish I wasn't so easily attached. I wish I didn't care so much.

But I am, and I do.

Naturally, it's hardest to let go of people. Before this, I thought that I could avoid this 'letting go' business by addressing the root of the problem: my attachment. I'd tried to keep my distance from people so that I wouldn't be attached to them. Unfortunately, that never solved anything... It only delayed the inevitable. Eventually, the very people that I had tried to distance myself from became the ones that I now care about very much. And I regret nothing.

Yes, people come and go and you lose friends along the way, but we don't always get to decide who stays in our lives and who doesn't. You just need to let people in and have a little faith.

There will come a time when you will need to let someone go. Or at least, loosen your hold on them. Take your time, but do it. You have to remember that people are not constants in your life. God is. And sometimes, He takes something away from you to remind you that the only attachment that is meant to be eternal is the one you have with Him.

I've come to realise that I have to slowly loosen my grip on some people. Not let them go and completely stop caring, just... lessen my attachment to them. I hope it never has to happen, but if I do have to let them go one day, maybe it won't hurt so much.

Metamorphowhat?

All my life, I have never felt the need to have a proper workout routine, solely thanks to my high metabolism. You know how people say that in every circle of friends, there will be one skinny friend who eats like an elephant? Yeah, I'm that friend. I'm one of those people who can eat aaaall they want and still won't put on any weight. I know working out goes beyond losing weight, but with that factor being eliminated from my primary concerns, it sort of lowers the priority of exercising. I did go to the gym regularly last year (yeap, you read that right), but when I went back home for the summer, the gym sessions naturally turned into pig-out sessions, and I hadn't gotten back to my routine until now..... (Admitting this is wounding my ego, but that is unfortunately the ugly truth)

One of my best friends, however, loves working out. She's the fit one in our circle of friends. We both have different ideas of 'shopping'. She spends a lot on sports/exercising equipments, which make her as happy as shoes and clothes make me. It's kind of amusing when you think about it. Haha.

She's been trying to get me to start exercising properly, so a few weeks ago she downloaded Tracy Anderson's Metamorphosis program on my laptop. It obviously remained untouched for a while, 'cause, you know, I've been busy doing other things. Like snacking on biscuits and chocolates and stuff.

This morning over breakfast I thought, alright, maybe it's time that I check it out and see how it is. Can't be that bad. I started by watching the Intro video where Tracy sits on a couch looking like a life-size Barbie doll, talking about her program and our journey, yada yada yada. How our body will totally transform at the end of 90 days. The routine is to be done 6 days in a week (what even) and there are like, 9 different routines altogether (one for every 10 days) and also a diet plan (excuse you). While she was explaining about the diet plan I just bit into my butter-and-Nutella toast and shook my head. "Nope, not gonna happen, lady."

It's pretty amazing to think how some people actually listen to her and go through the diet plan and everything. I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm ready to give up my chips and chocolates. So I've decided to veto the diet plan. I haven't seen the cardio yet, but I think I've done well for today. Step 1 (intro video), check. #achievementunlocked hahaha

Have a great week, everyone!