The hug that I never came home to

Five months. I hadn’t seen my grandmother for five months. I was so excited to come home and see her, hug her, eat her superb cooking, bully her, and gurau with her like I always do. Did.

I missed her voice. I missed hearing her scolding the kids. Laughing with her and at her. Having conversations with her and my mum’s side of the family over dinner on Friday nights. Dropping in at her house when I run some errands and was passing by the neighbourhood. Getting scolded by her for laughing so much that I couldn’t finish telling my story, but then she would end up laughing along anyway.

Five months. I couldn’t wait to come home for the summer. The first thing I was going to do on my first morning back in Malaysia was to go to her house and shout “Neneeeeekkk!!!” like I always do. Did.

But, as eager as I was to see her, it had turned out that God was even more eager than I was. I’d missed my Nenek, but I guess He missed her more.

I was walking in Bayswater with Syazwan last Wednesday when I received a text saying that Nenek had passed away. “Nenek mana?” I replied. Denial. As if there was another person that I call ‘Nenek’. I didn’t want to believe it. It was too surreal. My family and I were going to fly home in 3 days; I only had 3 days left till I could see her. But that was that. Ajal tak menunggu sesiapa.

Alhamdulillah, we managed to catch the first flight home the next day, but it obviously wasn’t soon enough; we couldn’t make it in time for the funeral. It felt like the longest 13 hours of my life, but the thing about a long journey is that for those 13 exhausting hours, you can put reality on hold for a bit. Nothing feels real.

But then again, another thing about journeys is that they always come to an end. Soon after we landed, we made our way straight to my grandmother’s house. Straight to reality. And no matter how much I tried to prepare myself for it, the closer we got to the house, the more I panicked inside. I broke down right in front of the gate. "Fatin taknak masuk," I kept crying to my dad. Nothing can ever prepare you for the loss of a loved one. Especially if it is unexpected. But ultimately, to Allah we belong and to Him we shall return.

“To Allah belongs what He took and to Him belongs what He gave.” Rahimah sent me that. I will forever be grateful to Allah for giving me you, Nenek. You are one of the greatest gifts in our lives. You were a loan to us all and now your Owner has called you home. I’m devastated that we couldn’t be there to see you, kiss you, and hug you before you left us. I never got the chance to tell you that I love you, and ask for your forgiveness... I never even got to kiss you one last time and say the last goodbye. But Allah knows best and His plans are perfect, so I accept His decree. Susah, tapi redha. Everything happens for a reason.

I love you so much, Nenek, but Allah loves you more. He loves you more. InsyaAllah one day, I’ll see you again in Heaven and get that hug that I’ve missed so much; that hug that I didn't have the chance to come home to.