Letting go

They say you write when you're sad. It can be depressing to those who read and I apologise for that, but it is kind of therapeutic to channel out the sadness somehow when you have too much pride to go to your friends and talk it out. Because sometimes, you feel like your problems aren't big enough or worthy enough for their time. And sometimes, you just don't want someone to tell you to 'pick yourself up and march on because life goes on'. Sometimes, you just want to embrace your sadness for a little bit.

So this is one of those times. I am here because it's easier to write about this than talk about it to someone. I am here because my heart aches, and this is why.

One of the many many things that I am very bad at, is letting go. Which is pretty 'convenient' for someone who is also easily attached – to people, to moments, to places, to objects. I don't know if there is a good side to it at all, but if there is, I can't see it. And I've tried looking.

I don't know why I find it so hard to let go of things. It is a weakness more than anything. It is something that I have been trying for a very long time to overcome, but the more I try, the more I realise that it may just be one of those things that you have to accept and live with. Letting go has never been easy for me no matter what it is in regards to – a person, a car, a favourite shirt, my childhood bed, you name it. Others may find it petty and pathetic, but feelings are feelings and I can only ignore them or hide them for so long.

Once I get attached to something or someone, I automatically develop a fear of losing them. I hate that it makes me so vulnerable, but try as I might, I can't stop it.

I wish I wasn't so easily attached. I wish I didn't care so much.

But I am, and I do.

Naturally, it's hardest to let go of people. Before this, I thought that I could avoid this 'letting go' business by addressing the root of the problem: my attachment. I'd tried to keep my distance from people so that I wouldn't be attached to them. Unfortunately, that never solved anything... It only delayed the inevitable. Eventually, the very people that I had tried to distance myself from became the ones that I now care about very much. And I regret nothing.

Yes, people come and go and you lose friends along the way, but we don't always get to decide who stays in our lives and who doesn't. You just need to let people in and have a little faith.

There will come a time when you will need to let someone go. Or at least, loosen your hold on them. Take your time, but do it. You have to remember that people are not constants in your life. God is. And sometimes, He takes something away from you to remind you that the only attachment that is meant to be eternal is the one you have with Him.

I've come to realise that I have to slowly loosen my grip on some people. Not let them go and completely stop caring, just... lessen my attachment to them. I hope it never has to happen, but if I do have to let them go one day, maybe it won't hurt so much.