Rush hour

I just realised that I've been off of Blogger for quite some time now. These past few weeks have been somewhat crazy that I haven't even been reading the blogs that I'm following.

All of my weekends had been fully occupied in November. From college reunion, to Nottingham Games, to having my cousin over from Bristol. It's all been really great fun, but there were also the class tests, the lab reports, assignments, and now I've got another social experiment and presentation to carry out. If you see me and think that I'm handling it all well, you're lucky you can't actually see how much of a mess my mind is right now. Honestly? I'm always on the brink of a panic attack.

I'd love to write out my thoughts in this space and share about everything that's been happening (not that it's all so interesting), but I've got to catch up with life. As always. That's how it is when you're a top-notch procrastinator.

With everything that's happening in my life right now, I feel like I'm always living in London rush hour – walking fast, quickly slipping through the gaps between people, dodging other commuters from the opposite direction; all the while pacing my breaths to calm myself down as a slight sense of claustrophobia gently grips my heart in a panic. But alas, nobody else has brought this upon me but myself. Haha.

I really really really can't wait for the winter break, and I'm sure I'm not the only one... Not long now. Anyway, I hope everyone's doing well, wherever you are. I'll be back soooon insyaAllah xx

Yours sincerely,

It's getting tiring to see this "holier-than-thou" attitude when I scroll past a Malaysian celebrity's picture and see the rude and condescending comments underneath it. Honestly. Aren't you people tired of starting a feud with someone you barely even know? I'm all for advising people about the right things – honestly, I do it so much that some of my friends even call me their (naggy) counsellor – but advising has to be done in the right manner.

It will never ever go down well if you give someone an 'advice' in an arrogant, 'Listen to me, I'm way better than you' kind of way. Especially when it comes to religious matters. It upsets me when people feel that they have the right to bash a person on the basis that 'it's the right thing to say'. Your reason here does not justify the way in which you're getting the message across.

Some of you might know why I'm writing about this matter, but let's not name names. I'm writing this because I'm so frustrated by the way people are portraying Islam and its teachings. I'm not a scholar, nor am I the best image of a Muslim. But I am human, I am a girl, and I have feelings, just as other girls do. If you knew how hurtful it is to read impertinent comments that concern your dignity in one way or another, you wouldn't wish it upon anyone, let alone inflict it on others.

I know this is a sensitive topic for a lot of people, but I feel like I need to address it and I hope this post will be able to talk some sense into those involved.

First of all, yes, it's wajib for a woman to cover up. This was not ordained by the prime minister or an ustaz, not by the state council, not by Islamic scholars. This is an order from God. Are we clear on that? Yes? Good.

Secondly, yes, it's important to remind our loved ones about their obligations and responsibilities towards their deen. BUT. We need to do this tastefully, accordingly, and kindly. Reminders and advice need to be gentle. It can be likened to holding someone's hand as you guide them down a path, especially if the path is new to them. You can't yank someone's arm and tell them to follow you without expecting some degree of objection, now, can you?

You need to understand this: Islam is not spread by the sword. It can't be forced upon others. If you use force and harsh words to impose Islamic teachings on others, it won't pull them any closer to Islam. It will only drive them away. I've heard many such stories and it's heartbreaking to know that some people's hearts have come so close to Islam, only to be chased away in the other direction by a fellow Muslim.

If you see someone close to you dressing in a way that is not appropriate by Islamic standards and you feel somewhat responsible to advise them, do so with their best interests in mind, not yours. Don't ambush them. Before you advise someone, ask yourself: Is this for their betterment, or your arrogance and pride? The answer lies in how you do it. Yes, your point is valid: berdosa kalau tak tutup aurat. But if you hurt someone's feelings and put them to shame, and start a feud (which usually ensues in most cases), tu pun berdosa jugak kan? If you have nothing nice to say, be silent. The Prophet (pbuh) taught us that.

It's ironic how some people think that they can 'guide' someone to the right path by giving harsh and horrifyingly rude comments. And then they justify their rudeness by saying, "I'm only saying what is right, why can't you just accept the truth?" Oh my gosh. Get off your high horse, please.

We need to remember that advice is best given sincerely, and a sincere advice is best given gently, as I've said before, and personally, so as to not embarrass the person in front of others. If you bash someone publicly about not fulfilling their obligations as a Muslim and claim to be giving a legit advice; you're not fooling anyone but yourself. Your argument just backfired right there.

Stop embarrassing yourselves. Stop. Defaming. Islam. Islam is a beautiful religion, and your atrocious behaviour is preventing people from seeing the beauty of it. I'm absolutely terrified by the thought that I could repel some people from Islam because of my own behaviour. Nauzubillah. I pray that Allah always guides our conduct so that we will never give Islam a bad name.

So guys, please. Think before you say anything. Be sincere. Be nice. Be kind. I'm not condoning something that is wrong. What's wajib is still wajib. But that topic is for another day. Right now, what's bothering me so much is how people are sooo eager to appear as the 'better person' (ironically) by picking at other people's sins, with a magnifying glass some more. Aren't we supposed to be in this together? One body, one ummah? I really hope I made sense and that what I'm trying to convey will get through to you. I think all of us need to take a step back and reflect upon this.

Islam is not about “we're better than you”, Islam is about “let me show you something that is better for you.”

– Nouman Ali Khan

Have a nice day, everyone.

Hello, Mr. Sun

"Nothing good ever happens after 2am."

Right after quoting this line from How I Met Your Mother, the girls and I (all mabuk and mamai) made a decision to watch the sun rise at Primrose Hill the next morning. It was 2.05am on a Saturday, and the sunrise was at 7.40am. I don't know why we even agreed to give the plan a go...

A few hours later I was woken up by a chorus of alarms, none of which was even mine! All six of us got up for Fajr and got ready to head out, all in silence simply because it was too early for any noise. I sleepily said to Bihah, "Bihah, remember when we made a decision at 2 in the morning?" "Uh huh?" "Yeah, let's not do that again."

It was super cold outside as we were all dressed for a pleasant autumn's day – thin jumpers/tops, light jackets, sans gloves. By the time we reached Primrose Hill it was already a few minutes after the actual sunrise, but the sky still had hues of purple and brilliant orange and we could just barely see the sun peeking out on the horizon behind London's skyline. MasyaAllah. It was just so breathtaking that no words or pictures can do it justice. We took a few pictures with the magnificent background (of course), and then we just sat and watched the whole thing unfold. Something as beautiful as this cannot and will never be properly captured with a camera lens.

No idea what these two were up to

Sheera, the tiny genius behind the lens

London's skyline

A random group of joggers who thought we were tourists and so insisted that we took a picture with them

When it got a little too chilly on the hill we took off and had breakfast at a tiny cafe nearby. The area was still so peaceful at the time; such a contrast to London's usual hustle and bustle, and I have to admit that it was kind of nice. After breakfast we made our way to Emirates Stadium to bring the little Özil fan (Sheera) around for a quick tour outside the stadium. I sent a picture to my family group just to let them know what we were up to and my dad replied, "Apahal lak pi Emirates?" Hahaha I had to explain to him that we were just being tour guides.

Guys, I'm pretty sure I'm at the wrong place

We went back home then, to do the laundry and pray before going out yet again to meet a few of the KY boys at Malaysia Hall for lunch. It was only supposed to be lunch, but after that the Southampton boys wanted to go around London for a bit, so (surprise surprise!) we took them to Buckingham Palace. From there we walked to Big Ben through St. James Park. It was such a lovely day to be out! People were walking their dogs, hanging out with their families, feeding the animals, lounging on the grass... It was basically the epitome of a perfect weekend.

In this last picture, I was actually calling a squirrel because I had a piece of biscuit in my hand and I wanted to feed it. But instead this duck came to me, and when I didn't want to feed it, it got mad and grumpily bit the metal railing a few times. Hahaha it was just so funny.

So anyway, after Big Ben the girls and I rushed back home to cook. The boys (and a couple of others) were coming over for dinner. We were gonna make chicken rice for the first time... and among the six of us, I was supposedly the 'head chef'.

No, that's not a good thing.

Shaza & Sheera made banoffee pie for dessert, while the rest of us were cramped up in the little kitchen, panicking and trying to get everything done in less than 2 hours. "Does this taste okay?" "How is the soup supposed to taste like?!" "Is this how you marinate the chicken?!" "Do we have enough rice?" But alhamdulillah, everything turned out alright and everyone enjoyed the meal. We also surprised Safwan with candles on the pie because it was his birthday only a few days back.

By 11pm all of us girls were so damn lemau from the eventful day that we had. It was difficult to even form a proper sentence. It was a crazy day, really, what with all the spontaneous plans and all after only 3 hours of sleep. But I definitely had a fantastic day with the girls. Sooo much love for them lah. Really looking forward to spending another weekend with them again.

I guess our 2am decision wasn't so bad after all :)

Photos by Shahirah Hasbullah
(I give up trying to align the pictures together. I'll just have to pretend that it doesn't bother me)

A piece of heaven

I think many people would agree that one of the best things in life is seeing your parents smile and hearing them laugh. What's even better is when you know that you put those smiles on their faces. When you were the one to make them laugh. I love it when that happens. It feels so rewarding and, as cheesy as it sounds, it always fills my heart with warm bubbles of absolute joy.

It's one of the little things that I miss the most about home when I'm in London. Back at home I was always up to silly and weird things that would make my mother facepalm herself and wonder loudly, "Where did I go wrong?!" But in the end it would still make her laugh and say, "Menyampah la tengok awak ni," and for some reason that usually makes me really happy.

This morning over breakfast, I randomly decided to watch a video on Bayyinah TV about mothers. In the introduction video, Nouman Ali Khan explained the definition of the Arabic word for 'mother' and where it was derived from. This is what I love about the Arabic language: a lot of the words are derived from old terms, so each word has their own 'history', so to speak. In this case, the Arabic word for mother, 'Umm', has different implications – leadership, uniqueness, foundation, and the most important unit (to name but a few). I'm not going to elaborate on everything, but the bottom line is, obviously, our mothers are the most important person in our lives and in the shaping of our being.

Most of the good things happening to us right now are a direct impact of someone's prayer for us... and that 'someone' is usually our mother. Isn't it? No matter how old you are, and how old she is, a mother's sole concern will always be the wellbeing of her children. There are times when the only person who can make things better is your mother. There's a saying that goes, "A mother is she who can take the place of all others, but whose place no one else can take." Damn right.

I don't know whether watching the video was a good or a bad idea, because now I'm feeling a little homesick -___- I wish I could quickly fly back home, give my mom (and my dad, and my siblings, and my maid, and maybe everyone in KL) a great big hug and a kiss and come back here. But that obviously ain't gonna happen.

I just wanted to share this and make you guys homesick too because I didn't want to be the only one. Haha, kidding. I just figured that it would be nice to remind everyone that there's at least one person in our lives who will keep cheering us on no matter what happens, and that that person is none other than the one who gave birth to us. I think moms are a piece of heaven.

Towards the end of his video, Nouman said, "The joy of our mothers is not just a gift of Allah to them (i.e. our mothers); the joy and happiness of our mothers is a gift of Allah to us. When our mothers are happy, we will find a good life." 

I think that statement's self-explanatory. Time to make our mothers happy!

An insecure girl

The world has this crazy concept about how a woman should look. If they (i.e. the people in this world, most definitely the media) don't directly tell you to look a certain way, they suggest it to you by slipping some ideas into your head. They perpetuate this mentality that 'beauty' equals to appearance and almost always discard the importance of character, behaviour and intelligence.

Ladies. We were (generally) made to be kind, compassionate, and loving creatures, to name but a few. But the recipe to create a woman also includes jealousy and insecurity among other things. This is inevitable. More often than not, we see jokes about overprotective and jealous girlfriends on social media and the reason why they're so funny is that there's an element of truth in them. It's normal to be jealous. Some people get more jealous than others and it's not wrong – everyone's created differently. Different strengths and weaknesses.

Just be careful not to hurt or kill anyone who flirts with your boyfriend.

Anyway, back to my point. We see the things fed to us by the media everyday and eventually develop our own ideas of how we should look like. We get jealous of another girl's looks. We're so obsessed with physical perfection, we practically splurge on products that can make us look better. I'm definitely not excused from this.

When we're not in our best state of mind, some thoughts linger in our minds when we lie down in bed and keep us awake until the wee hours in the morning.

"Why am I not as pretty as her."

"Why can't I be taller."
"Her eyes are so beautiful. I wish mine were too."

"Why don't I have nicer hair."
"My cheeks are so chubby."

"Why am I not skinnier."

"Why am I too skinny."
"My nose is too big."

"Why do I have these stretch marks."
"I hate these dark circles under my eyes."

"Why isn't my smile as pretty as hers."
"My skin is horrible."

The worst thing is that these insecurities will come attacking all at once. We find things to hate about ourselves without realising that it's these things that we have to be thankful for. It's dangerous because we easily forget the things we've been blessed with. Whenever you complain about your hair, remember that some chemotherapy patients would give anything to have their hair back. When you complain about not having a thigh gap or whatever it is that some people are so concerned about, remember that it means that you have legs. Legs are given to you to enable you to walk, not so that you can compare the size of your thighs to other people's.

It's easy to feel insecure about yourself. It's easy to feel inadequate. But you don't have to be the prettiest girl on the planet to be worthy of love and appreciation. You don't have to be a size 2, or have the nicest hair, or wear the most expensive clothes, or have porcelain skin. These things are nice to have, but they're not the most important things in life. Don't let these obsessions cloud your judgement and diminish your self-worth.

Stop looking for appreciation and acceptance in all the wrong places. If you try to fulfil society's idea of beauty, you'll never be happy. Beauty is not meant to be objective; it has always been subjective. It's in the eye of the beholder – weren't we taught this saying when we were still too young to understand it? Someone somewhere thinks you're beautiful just as you are. Despite your uneven skin tone, your messy eyebrows, your crooked smile, the blemishes on your face, the pimples that keep popping out in the most obvious places. Despite all the 'flaws' that you keep trying to hide under your makeup.

Whenever the insecurities hit you and you feel down in the dumps, count your blessings. God has bestowed you with things that you didn't even deserve in the first place – so why dismiss all of that and complain about a few things you're unhappy about? Don't let these things get to you and make you ungrateful. You have so much to be thankful for, it's insane.

"Which then of the bounties of your Lord will you deny?"

I write this post more as a reminder to myself than anyone else. I have days where I feel so bothered by how I look. Sometimes I remember the things that people say to me and I feel so sad. I usually look like I don't mind whenever someone points out my (physical) flaws, but to be perfectly honest, most times, it hurts a little bit. Naturally I never tell this to people because I don't want them to know that their comment upset me.

But I've learnt (and am still learning) to accept my flaws and embrace my insecurities. I'm starting to feel a little more comfortable in my own skin. I still have those bad days, but it's easier now for me to shake it off and keep my chin up. I realise that it's not just about being accepted by others in spite of your flaws. It's more about accepting yourself and your flaws.

Besides, God has given me so much in my life to be thankful for. I'm spoiled with the good things and am humbled by the bad. Alhamdulillah. I saw this saying on Tumblr once and I keep it close to my heart to this day: "You think you're down on your luck, when really, you're blessed beyond means."

Don't let the world make you feel ugly and inadequate. Beauty is more than just appearances. Chin up, buttercup!

Run chicken run

Just now after dinner I had one of the occasional story-telling sessions with my mum, brother and sister. While we took turns telling stories, I suddenly remembered the first time that I chased after chickens in the kampung. I don't remember how old I was, but I was definitely still in primary school. It was raya season and my family & I went to visit my grandaunt's house in Semenyih which had a big backyard. She had chickens running around freely there which made me excited – city girl masuk kampung, right.

I remember feeding the chickens some bread with my sister. There were a rooster, a hen, and a handful of chicks. (Before that, let me tell you that I was wearing a three-quarter denim skirt, with a slight slit at the back). So at one point, I felt so jakun and I started chasing the chickens. They were so shocked that they dispersed in a panic – one chick went straight while the hen and the other chicks ran in another direction. I thought, "Okay, whatever," and continued chasing the lonely little chick until suddenly... I heard a very loud cluck behind me.

I turned my head around and yeap, sure enough, I saw the hen running after me! That was one very angry ayam. I was so scared and mind you, my skirt didn't give much room for big steps. I must have looked like an idiot, trying to run (away from a chicken!!) in a tight skirt. After a while I wondered why the hen was still chasing after me until I realised that in my haste to get away from the flapping mother hen, I was still unintentionally chasing the little chick.

So I quickly steered away and the hen stopped chasing me and went straight to her chick. Thank God. I could feel the hen glaring at me, probably thinking "Nobody messes with my chick."

After that incident I never tried chasing a little chick again. Konon nak kejar ayam, tapi in the end aku yang kena kejar dengan ayam.

Loving someone

To me, loving someone isn't about knowing every single fact there is to know about them. It's about remembering the trivial things about their habits and character. It's about paying attention to the things that others barely even notice.

It's remembering which part of a chicken he likes best, how he likes his tea with two cubes of sugar and no milk, and how he furrows his eyebrows when he's annoyed by something, even if he denies it.

It's noticing that he always mumbles inaudibly to himself whenever he's driving and is unsure about the directions. It's knowing that he will always argue that he's right, but will still Google up your facts and try to understand where you're coming from.

It's knowing that he sleeps with a pillow that he's had since he was five, and that he always drinks a cup of water the first thing when he wakes up. It's realising that he tends to scrunch up his nose ever so slightly when he disapproves of something, and how he always licks his lips whenever he's fixated on a task.

It's remembering how he doesn't like to use his phone at the dining table, and how he loves helping his mother out with the groceries on the weekends. It's noticing how he purses his lips in uncomfortable situations and clenches his jaw when he tries not to say something out of anger.

It's knowing that he's upset when he says "Mhmm" rather than "Yes", that he needs some time to cool down before apologising for something, and that he doesn't like to be disturbed when he has work to do. It's noticing how he separates the food on his plate, how he taps his fingers on his side whenever he's anxious, and how he subconsciously hums an old Alleycats song when he thinks nobody's listening.

It's knowing that he likes to wear a little bit of perfume in the morning even if he's just going to stay at home the whole day, and that he likes to hug his mother before she goes to bed every night. It's knowing that he hates it when people keep telling him to quit smoking, but  secretly he's been cutting down considerably on the cigarettes.

It's recognising the way he walks even from a mile away, and being able to spot the top of his head in a crowd, and remembering how his pinky finger can't bend due to an injury from a childhood accident. It's noticing how he hates eating mushrooms except when they're on a pizza, how his face always brightens up as his little sister walks into the room, and how annoyed he gets if someone sits on his neatly made bed.

It's realising how quiet he gets around his father, not out of fear but out of respect. It's noticing how he constantly tips the worker who helps him at a petrol station, no matter how discreet he always tries to be. It's knowing that he likes to eat his fries with vanilla ice cream, and that he only eats his KFC chickens with Life chilli sauce.

It's remembering that he goes to see his grandparents every Saturday night, and that he loves to count the number of anchovies in his nasi lemak. It's noticing how he shuts his eyes tightly whenever he tries to remember someone's name, and how he always snaps his fingers every time he remembers something important.

No matter how insignificant these things are to most people, they mean a whole lot to you simply because they add up to one of your most favourite people in this world. Loving someone means you care enough about a person to actually take notice of their quirks and habits, even though you can't understand some of them. I personally feel that the little things about a person take up a lot more space in your heart than anything else. They're the things that you tend to miss the most whenever he's away.

I don't know much about love. Love is a lot of things. It has no absolute definition and is almost always beyond description. But one thing I do know is that, it's not always expressed through the words "I love you."