Obsession & compulsion

Ya Allah, sesungguhnya I have a problem. Sungguh problem!!! Lately I've been going on FashionValet & Zalora everyday. Everyday. For no good reason! I would just browse through the categories that interest me and casually scroll through the items, looking for nothing in particular. I don't even know why I do this to myself. Why do I put myself through this heartbreak?! I mean, I obviously can't browse through an online store without wanting something. Having said that, it's not like I have any money to spend either. It's a very weird and unnecessarily painful routine.

I'm thinking that this behaviour is more of a habit now than anything else. I don't know if it qualifies as a disorder, but let's not get into that..... This is normal for a woman. Right? A woman (typically) has a desire to shop. Unfortunately for me (and my father, because he pays), this aforementioned desire is extra kuat in me. BUT, in my defence, my father is quite a shopper himself too. Looks like I'm just a chip off the old block, eh?

The thing is, I think recently I've been a bit obsessed with Vivy and her fashion sense. Everything she wears is damn ace, but then that's probably because she's super gorgeous in the first place. But still. A few days ago I found myself looking for platform heels. Why? Sebab Vivy wears them. I want to buy one of Love To Dress' new dresses. Why? Well primarily because of Asma', and because it's convenient and wudhu-friendly (I'm not making these up, I had actually weighed out the pros and cons when the new collection came out) (okay I lied, I only considered the pros), but then I saw a picture of Vivy in one and that made me want the dress even more. Now I'm eyeing the Daniel Wellington watches because yep, you guessed it, Vivy has one. It's damn scary and obsessive, and yes I do admit that I have a problem.

I haven't bought anything out of compulsion so far though, alhamdulillah (clap clap clap). Thank God for that last bit of sanity, haha. I've been telling myself that I have to control my nafsu when I'm fasting. (Is it just me or is this really really difficult??)

I suppose at the end of the day, everyone has different tests from God. Mine just happens to be an overpowering urge to shop – among many other things. I know it sounds materialistic, and I won't even try to justify it because it's true, isn't it? It's a disease of the heart, materialism, and even though it doesn't seem like it, I'm truly trying to overcome it. Someday, insyaAllah, I'll have the strength to look at handbags and shoes and beautiful clothes and not even bat an eyelid. Until then, this will continue to be one huge battle for me.

Now let's all appreciate the fact that I don't have a credit card. Only God knows what will happen if I do...