Mood swings

The thing I hate most about the time of the month is the mood swings.

One minute I'm totally happy, then someone does something totally normal (which probably doesn't even concern me) and it annoys me, and then a thought crosses my mind about something random and I get angry.

Really. Sometimes when I get angry about something small, it only makes me angrier because I'm not even supposed to be affected by it in the first place. And my mood changes sooo quickly that it's hard to keep up with myself. I always have to keep in mind that it's harder for the people around me because they don't know what's happening.

Some men probably think that women exaggerate mood swings so that we can get away with getting angry, but no. At least I don't. The struggle is real. Especially when it comes to controlling my anger. It's extra hard when I'm on my period but I really try to keep my tolerance level high and keep my mouth shut whenever I'm ticked off.

It's not easy, guys :( I'm always quick to make a comment whenever I'm provoked. It feels satisfying... for a while. Before the guilt creeps in and eats me up from the inside.

Sigh. Sabar. So so hard. Ya Allah please grant me patience. Beautiful, beautiful patience.

Stay safe!

My neighbourhood is totally not safe anymore. Just this past week there have been so many police reports about breaking & entering. Some of them are unsuccessful attempts, but still.

A few days ago, I was arguing with my mum because I wanted to go to the surau for terawih alone. The surau is just a stone's throw away from my house so I was totally fine with walking there by myself. She insisted that I waited for my brother, but I didn't want to because he always goes late and I like to be at the surau at least 10 minutes before Isya' (kiasu to get the best spot). Good thing my cousin was there to teman me go early and return home... because that same night, 3 men (believed to be Latin Americans) tried to break into my neighbour's house. At about 8pm!

The CCTV footage showed them walking all tenang around the house. They tried to open one of the windows and then the alarm went off but they just kept their cool, disabled the alarm and waited for a few minutes before driving off so as to remain inconspicuous. The police said they drive cars like Vellfire, Peugeot, Estima etc so nobody would have thought they were suspicious. Damn pro.

It's so scary nowadays, there are bad people everywhere. We should always always be careful no matter where we are. Remember that bad guys don't always look suspicious, sometimes they look just as innocent as the guy next door. Lock up properly at night and always remember to doa!

Hope everyone stays safe & may Allah protect all of us from the evils of His creations.

Obsession & compulsion

Ya Allah, sesungguhnya I have a problem. Sungguh problem!!! Lately I've been going on FashionValet & Zalora everyday. Everyday. For no good reason! I would just browse through the categories that interest me and casually scroll through the items, looking for nothing in particular. I don't even know why I do this to myself. Why do I put myself through this heartbreak?! I mean, I obviously can't browse through an online store without wanting something. Having said that, it's not like I have any money to spend either. It's a very weird and unnecessarily painful routine.

I'm thinking that this behaviour is more of a habit now than anything else. I don't know if it qualifies as a disorder, but let's not get into that..... This is normal for a woman. Right? A woman (typically) has a desire to shop. Unfortunately for me (and my father, because he pays), this aforementioned desire is extra kuat in me. BUT, in my defence, my father is quite a shopper himself too. Looks like I'm just a chip off the old block, eh?

The thing is, I think recently I've been a bit obsessed with Vivy and her fashion sense. Everything she wears is damn ace, but then that's probably because she's super gorgeous in the first place. But still. A few days ago I found myself looking for platform heels. Why? Sebab Vivy wears them. I want to buy one of Love To Dress' new dresses. Why? Well primarily because of Asma', and because it's convenient and wudhu-friendly (I'm not making these up, I had actually weighed out the pros and cons when the new collection came out) (okay I lied, I only considered the pros), but then I saw a picture of Vivy in one and that made me want the dress even more. Now I'm eyeing the Daniel Wellington watches because yep, you guessed it, Vivy has one. It's damn scary and obsessive, and yes I do admit that I have a problem.

I haven't bought anything out of compulsion so far though, alhamdulillah (clap clap clap). Thank God for that last bit of sanity, haha. I've been telling myself that I have to control my nafsu when I'm fasting. (Is it just me or is this really really difficult??)

I suppose at the end of the day, everyone has different tests from God. Mine just happens to be an overpowering urge to shop – among many other things. I know it sounds materialistic, and I won't even try to justify it because it's true, isn't it? It's a disease of the heart, materialism, and even though it doesn't seem like it, I'm truly trying to overcome it. Someday, insyaAllah, I'll have the strength to look at handbags and shoes and beautiful clothes and not even bat an eyelid. Until then, this will continue to be one huge battle for me.

Now let's all appreciate the fact that I don't have a credit card. Only God knows what will happen if I do...

Summer plans

Before I came back to Malaysia I'd thought about what I was gonna do during summer. I've got 3 months of holiday in my hands – no post-holiday exams (like we used to have in KY pfft) and no more assignments to worry about. My mind went on crazy overdrive. Imagine bringing a kid to a candy store and telling him that he can have anything that he wants. Obviously at first he doesn't know where to begin, and once he does, he can't stop grabbing the candies. That's how mini Fatin was like in my mind. Running around here and there, all kelam kabut because there's just SO much that I want to do. A hundred ideas attacked my thoughts at one time:

I can get a job.

I have to catch up with all of my friends.

I have to meet the people that I've only been in touch with through social media.

I can take my cousins on a roadtrip.

Go cuti with the family if my dad can get some days off (but unlikely).

I have to go to USS.

I have to eat all of the (cheap!!!) Malaysian food that I can't get in London.

Oh, and play sports.

I wanna start horse-riding!

Maybe take up Arabic classes (I have to be productive somehow, right).

And sewing classes! Think of all the skirts that I can make! (Don't even know when)

Eh and I think I might as well take a course on Microsoft Office (still a noob on the complex stuff).

Hmm should I also shop in KL or wait till I balik London.....

And the list went on and on. At one point I mentally grabbed mini-me in my mind and shook myself hard. STOP. There was no way that I'll be able to do everything. I have three months, not three years. So I started organising my to-do list, with the more important things being at the top. I say "organise" and not "revise" because I'm degil and in denial like that. Somehow, by the grace of God, I will find a way to do most of the things on my list (snorts).

So mula-mula I thought of doing an internship with FashionValet. I sent them my CV and everything, but the office is just too far for me to commute back & forth everyday, and I wouldn't have time to do much else anyway, so my parents said no. There's that. Then I'd met many of my friends before bulan puasa, and done some raya shopping with my mum (money go bye bye, I cry cry). Now that Ramadhan is here, everything has to be put on hold for the moment until after raya. It's a shame to waste away this month and its barakah, kan? Everything else can wait.

Sooo, since I can't do much masa puasa, I've been taking Arabic classes since Ramadhan started. Basically I was like "Okay! It's time to reconnect with my roots! It's time to learn the language of the Quran! I want to understand what I say in solat! I'm ready to be an Arab!!" I was on fire. I felt so ready to cakap Arab and everything. Padahal I had to start at Level 1.

This morning in class I was a bit clueless and kept on giving wrong answers and my teacher concluded, "Fatin is hungry today." There are 2 other girls in my class but they're both so quiet and baik, so I'm pretty much the only one who always gives out wrong answers confidently. Not so surprising... My grandpa would probably facepalm himself if he heard me speak Arabic. Disgraceful. Hahaha.

Beep beep!

KL traffic was made to test your patience, man. During my stay in London, it was one thing that I did not miss one bit about home. I was happy with the Underground, even though it's a lot of walking, squeezing through the throngs of fellow commuters at rush hours and being squashed up against someone who may or may not have had their morning shower. But well, everything has its pros and cons. KL traffic at rush hour? Definitely a con. As much as I'd missed driving here and there, sometimes just the thought of traffic in the evenings kills me. Especially when you have to face MRR2 as soon as you exit your neighbourhood. It's crrrrazy. At times like that, I'd turn so quickly into a mengada Malaysian-Londoner, whining "I miss the tuuube" and "Hmm it's so easy to get around in London, you don't even have to worry about traffic." Even I find myself annoying when I do that.

And it's not just about the traffic, it's the drivers too. GOD. You find all sorts of perangai on the road. Everyone's so impatient and I don't understand people who honk when the traffic is on a standstill. Hello??? Who told you that honking will make cars move faster? Please don't do that, it's ridiculous and it only agitates other drivers. Everyone wants to be home after a long day at work, bro, just like you.

Then you've also got the rude drivers who make you say every swear word under the sun. I'm someone who gets riled up so easily and can take a long time to cool down. It's kind of hard when someone angers me because I try not to swear, but it's obviously the first thing you feel like doing when you're angry. I'd usually let the anger bubble over inside of me until I can't take it anymore, before I blurt out the word "BABI." That's about the furthest that I'll go (insyaAllah haha) and has only happened a handful of times before.

Basically what I'm saying is that it's not an easy task to be patient, even more so when you're on the road. I guess that's why patience is rewarded handsomely by Allah – with paradise. I hope we'll all manage to keep our anger in check in this holy month – on the road and off – and that Allah makes it easy for all of us. Hold back your tongue when you feel like swearing. Think of all the rewards you're getting for remaining patient! Don't let other people kurangkan your pahala puasa okay!

Drive safely and Ramadhan Kareem, everybody!