MIA

I almost forgot about the existence of my blog. Oops. Unexpectedly so many things had happened between my last blog post and this one so I haven't had the time to update about anything and I'm itching to write about my winter break shenanigans.

I got back to London more than a week ago, but I had exams soon after (CRIES). So basically I had to lock myself up in the apartment and sumbat information into my head for my papers and I was really depressed for a few days. I was tempted to write something on the blog then, but I try to refrain myself from posting depressing things online because I don't want to spread negative vibes to other people (this would be a good time to apologise for the gloomy tweets that were posted before I could stop myself). But I'm glad I'm out of it now, alhamdulillah. I still have one more paper tomorrow (Tuesday the 20th) but honestly at this point I just want to get it over and done with. I just can't take it no more. I want my freeeeeedoooommmm!!!

Anyway, just thought I'd drop by for a little bit. I can't wait to be done with my last paper tomorrow so that I can blog about my short trip to Melbourne and my cousin's wedding. I hope everyone's been doing great and in the best of health :) xx

Little people

Picture taken from Google images

"Isn't it cool that one day you might have little people running around your house that are half you and half the person you love?"

Bihah retweeted this and I can't stop thinking about how absolutely cute this is... and how much I really, really want this. I'd never been one of those people who had always known what they wanted to be when they grow up. Throughout my childhood, my ambition always changed from one to another; but, I suppose just like many other girls, I knew one thing with absolute certainty: I want to be a mom.

I love kids. They can drive you crazy and tire you out (who knew that such tiny beings can wear you out so quickly?!), but I absolutely love them. Towards the end of my high school life I sort of tamed myself to the idea of becoming a child psychologist (with some helpful nudges from my own mother) and I figured that it made perfect sense – do what you love and love what you do, right? I love playing with kids, and I suppose I can say that I'm good with kids, so I thought it didn't matter much that I was opting for a rather unconventional (by Malaysian standards) pathway. When a friend of mine found out that I'm taking a degree in Psychology and that I want to pursue child psychology, he said: "DUDE, I JUST REALISED SOMETHING. YOU'RE TAKING A DEGREE ON HOW TO BE A MOTHER!" That really cracked me up, but I liked the idea – I'm on my way to becoming a 'professional' mother, guys. What up.

I think about a week ago I watched this vine of a man kissing his baby's cheek repeatedly, which made the baby squeal. MY HEART. It's just too cute!!! Is it too typical and predictable to say that I can't wait to have my own baby? My own family? I know some women don't think it a priority to settle down and start a family at this age but... I can't help it. I want it for real. (Permission to judge me for being so hormonal.)

But let's be real now. I'm not ready for all of that. Yet. My life as a singleton is all over the place as it is, and I am under no illusion that I'm ready be a wife, let alone a mother. Of course, being ready is one thing, but finding someone that I want to marry is another... and finding someone who actually wants to marry me? That's a different story altogether. Hahaha. I know that it's nearly impossible to find someone who checks all the boxes in your list, but I believe that when you find the right person, you will accept (or tolerate) and learn to love those unchecked boxes sooner or later. For me however, that kind of person has not come 'round yet.

This brings me to one of my current concerns... I think it's perfectly normal to want your future spouse to possess certain qualities and standards. Personally, I'm even quite particular about some aspects that other people might find trivial. But then again, when I think about all of the things that I want in an ideal husband, I wonder... am I really up to par with 'him'? Would I deserve this man, if he is real?

(Swallows pride) Of course not.

I want a husband who is steadfast in his religion, who never misses his daily prayers, who wakes up for tahajjud in the middle of the night and will wake me up for it too.

... Says the girl who constantly struggles to wake up for Fajr, and delays her 5 obligatory prayers more often than she is happy to admit.

I want a husband who will only have eyes for me, a man who knows the limits of his encounters with other women.

... Says the girl who still finds it extremely hard to lower her gaze, who sometimes (okay fine, many times) forgets the boundaries of boy-girl interactions, the girl who still feels shy to tell a man who extends his hand for a handshake, that "I'm sorry, I don't shake hands with men."

I want a husband who is understanding, who can lower his ego should we have an argument and admit it when he's wrong.

... Says the girl with the Arab temperament and a big ego who always has to be right, the girl who finds it extremely hard to swallow her pride and say sorry whenever she's wrong.

I want a husband who is responsible and wise.

... Says the girl who is neither very responsible nor wise especially when it comes to her shopping habits......

And the list goes on. I thought, this just won't do. I've always been so busy thinking about what I want in my future husband that I don't stop to think if I actually deserve him. So it's  high time that I fix myself and change some of my ways to be the ideal wife for my ideal husband. That's only fair. And once I achieve that, and let's hope I do insyaAllah, maybe then I can think about starting a family and all of the ways I'm going to dress my kids up.

That day won't come so soon, but when it does, people are going to quickly learn that I'm going to be one very annoying mommy who buys matching mother-daughter and father-son outfits.

I'm back where my heart is!

I'm home again! Alhamdulillah, after a very very very long journey, being at home with my family makes it all worth it.

Packing this time 'round was not so stressful because I knew what I needed to bring back: textbooks, textbooks, and more textbooks. I'll be having exams in January and I'm absolutely terrified because the class tests that we'd had for the modules pretty much killed me. I'll have to discipline myself during the holidays... which seems like an impossible feat right now... but it has to be done. One way or another. God help me.

I'd brought back 7 textbooks. Even with little else in my suitcase, it weighed 30.6kg. Dude. It was almost as heavy as I am. I had to lug the huge thing to the tube station, carry it down a flight of stairs (with Rem's help), and yank it onto the tube. Thank God I was travelling with my sister and Rem. If I was alone I'd be crying in frustration because my luggage wouldn't budge.

The flight was smooth alhamdulillah but I drifted in and out of sleep so many times that I wonder how I'd even slept in flights before this. One good thing about being petite is that I can fold myself into foetus position in the seat in economy, so basically throughout most of the 13 hours I tried to arrange myself in every angle possible to try to be comfortable. My body ached and my neck hurt, but ahhh none of it matters now because I'll be sleeping in my own bed tonight! Yay!!

When we got home just now Najwa and I were so excited because we had a little surprise for our dad from London. On Friday after class we'd gone to his all-time favourite kebab place, Taza, and packed some kebabs and the sauces to bring home. It's been a year since he last had it and I was so excited to see his reaction. When we gave it to him, the only thing he said for about 5 minutes was "Woooo!!!" Hahaha you don't understand the satisfaction that we felt. We've always struggled to figure out what gift to get him for his birthday, Father's Day, etc. Taza. Taza was the answer all along.

We did feel bad because we didn't get anything as meaningful for our mom, but we've told her that if we could bring back John Lewis for her, we would have.

I got my sambal tumis udang, which is like the favourite of all my favourites. I totally forgot that I had to control my intake of sambal until my dad pointed out that I'm gonna get sakit perut if I didn't. But of course I couldn't stop myself.

And as if the night wasn't already good enough, I got to watch the Manchester United match in HD!!! CRIES!!! One of the things that I always complain about being in London is that I don't get to watch HD football. I have to opt for livestreaming for most matches (provided that I'm even home to watch the match) and the resolution is horrible. So you can imagine how thrilled I was when I could watch my favourite team play (AND WIN) against Liverpool, with my dad and brothers, in high definition. Perfect football night.

Have you ever had those times when you just feel so grateful for everything that your heart feels like it's about to burst? Tonight was one of those times for me. Alhamdulillah :)

Rush hour

I just realised that I've been off of Blogger for quite some time now. These past few weeks have been somewhat crazy that I haven't even been reading the blogs that I'm following.

All of my weekends had been fully occupied in November. From college reunion, to Nottingham Games, to having my cousin over from Bristol. It's all been really great fun, but there were also the class tests, the lab reports, assignments, and now I've got another social experiment and presentation to carry out. If you see me and think that I'm handling it all well, you're lucky you can't actually see how much of a mess my mind is right now. Honestly? I'm always on the brink of a panic attack.

I'd love to write out my thoughts in this space and share about everything that's been happening (not that it's all so interesting), but I've got to catch up with life. As always. That's how it is when you're a top-notch procrastinator.

With everything that's happening in my life right now, I feel like I'm always living in London rush hour – walking fast, quickly slipping through the gaps between people, dodging other commuters from the opposite direction; all the while pacing my breaths to calm myself down as a slight sense of claustrophobia gently grips my heart in a panic. But alas, nobody else has brought this upon me but myself. Haha.

I really really really can't wait for the winter break, and I'm sure I'm not the only one... Not long now. Anyway, I hope everyone's doing well, wherever you are. I'll be back soooon insyaAllah xx

Yours sincerely,

It's getting tiring to see this "holier-than-thou" attitude when I scroll past a Malaysian celebrity's picture and see the rude and condescending comments underneath it. Honestly. Aren't you people tired of starting a feud with someone you barely even know? I'm all for advising people about the right things – honestly, I do it so much that some of my friends even call me their (naggy) counsellor – but advising has to be done in the right manner.

It will never ever go down well if you give someone an 'advice' in an arrogant, 'Listen to me, I'm way better than you' kind of way. Especially when it comes to religious matters. It upsets me when people feel that they have the right to bash a person on the basis that 'it's the right thing to say'. Your reason here does not justify the way in which you're getting the message across.

Some of you might know why I'm writing about this matter, but let's not name names. I'm writing this because I'm so frustrated by the way people are portraying Islam and its teachings. I'm not a scholar, nor am I the best image of a Muslim. But I am human, I am a girl, and I have feelings, just as other girls do. If you knew how hurtful it is to read impertinent comments that concern your dignity in one way or another, you wouldn't wish it upon anyone, let alone inflict it on others.

I know this is a sensitive topic for a lot of people, but I feel like I need to address it and I hope this post will be able to talk some sense into those involved.

First of all, yes, it's wajib for a woman to cover up. This was not ordained by the prime minister or an ustaz, not by the state council, not by Islamic scholars. This is an order from God. Are we clear on that? Yes? Good.

Secondly, yes, it's important to remind our loved ones about their obligations and responsibilities towards their deen. BUT. We need to do this tastefully, accordingly, and kindly. Reminders and advice need to be gentle. It can be likened to holding someone's hand as you guide them down a path, especially if the path is new to them. You can't yank someone's arm and tell them to follow you without expecting some degree of objection, now, can you?

You need to understand this: Islam is not spread by the sword. It can't be forced upon others. If you use force and harsh words to impose Islamic teachings on others, it won't pull them any closer to Islam. It will only drive them away. I've heard many such stories and it's heartbreaking to know that some people's hearts have come so close to Islam, only to be chased away in the other direction by a fellow Muslim.

If you see someone close to you dressing in a way that is not appropriate by Islamic standards and you feel somewhat responsible to advise them, do so with their best interests in mind, not yours. Don't ambush them. Before you advise someone, ask yourself: Is this for their betterment, or your arrogance and pride? The answer lies in how you do it. Yes, your point is valid: berdosa kalau tak tutup aurat. But if you hurt someone's feelings and put them to shame, and start a feud (which usually ensues in most cases), tu pun berdosa jugak kan? If you have nothing nice to say, be silent. The Prophet (pbuh) taught us that.

It's ironic how some people think that they can 'guide' someone to the right path by giving harsh and horrifyingly rude comments. And then they justify their rudeness by saying, "I'm only saying what is right, why can't you just accept the truth?" Oh my gosh. Get off your high horse, please.

We need to remember that advice is best given sincerely, and a sincere advice is best given gently, as I've said before, and personally, so as to not embarrass the person in front of others. If you bash someone publicly about not fulfilling their obligations as a Muslim and claim to be giving a legit advice; you're not fooling anyone but yourself. Your argument just backfired right there.

Stop embarrassing yourselves. Stop. Defaming. Islam. Islam is a beautiful religion, and your atrocious behaviour is preventing people from seeing the beauty of it. I'm absolutely terrified by the thought that I could repel some people from Islam because of my own behaviour. Nauzubillah. I pray that Allah always guides our conduct so that we will never give Islam a bad name.

So guys, please. Think before you say anything. Be sincere. Be nice. Be kind. I'm not condoning something that is wrong. What's wajib is still wajib. But that topic is for another day. Right now, what's bothering me so much is how people are sooo eager to appear as the 'better person' (ironically) by picking at other people's sins, with a magnifying glass some more. Aren't we supposed to be in this together? One body, one ummah? I really hope I made sense and that what I'm trying to convey will get through to you. I think all of us need to take a step back and reflect upon this.

Islam is not about “we're better than you”, Islam is about “let me show you something that is better for you.”

– Nouman Ali Khan

Have a nice day, everyone.

Hello, Mr. Sun

"Nothing good ever happens after 2am."

Right after quoting this line from How I Met Your Mother, the girls and I (all mabuk and mamai) made a decision to watch the sun rise at Primrose Hill the next morning. It was 2.05am on a Saturday, and the sunrise was at 7.40am. I don't know why we even agreed to give the plan a go...

A few hours later I was woken up by a chorus of alarms, none of which was even mine! All six of us got up for Fajr and got ready to head out, all in silence simply because it was too early for any noise. I sleepily said to Bihah, "Bihah, remember when we made a decision at 2 in the morning?" "Uh huh?" "Yeah, let's not do that again."

It was super cold outside as we were all dressed for a pleasant autumn's day – thin jumpers/tops, light jackets, sans gloves. By the time we reached Primrose Hill it was already a few minutes after the actual sunrise, but the sky still had hues of purple and brilliant orange and we could just barely see the sun peeking out on the horizon behind London's skyline. MasyaAllah. It was just so breathtaking that no words or pictures can do it justice. We took a few pictures with the magnificent background (of course), and then we just sat and watched the whole thing unfold. Something as beautiful as this cannot and will never be properly captured with a camera lens.

No idea what these two were up to

Sheera, the tiny genius behind the lens

London's skyline

A random group of joggers who thought we were tourists and so insisted that we took a picture with them

When it got a little too chilly on the hill we took off and had breakfast at a tiny cafe nearby. The area was still so peaceful at the time; such a contrast to London's usual hustle and bustle, and I have to admit that it was kind of nice. After breakfast we made our way to Emirates Stadium to bring the little Özil fan (Sheera) around for a quick tour outside the stadium. I sent a picture to my family group just to let them know what we were up to and my dad replied, "Apahal lak pi Emirates?" Hahaha I had to explain to him that we were just being tour guides.

Guys, I'm pretty sure I'm at the wrong place

We went back home then, to do the laundry and pray before going out yet again to meet a few of the KY boys at Malaysia Hall for lunch. It was only supposed to be lunch, but after that the Southampton boys wanted to go around London for a bit, so (surprise surprise!) we took them to Buckingham Palace. From there we walked to Big Ben through St. James Park. It was such a lovely day to be out! People were walking their dogs, hanging out with their families, feeding the animals, lounging on the grass... It was basically the epitome of a perfect weekend.

In this last picture, I was actually calling a squirrel because I had a piece of biscuit in my hand and I wanted to feed it. But instead this duck came to me, and when I didn't want to feed it, it got mad and grumpily bit the metal railing a few times. Hahaha it was just so funny.

So anyway, after Big Ben the girls and I rushed back home to cook. The boys (and a couple of others) were coming over for dinner. We were gonna make chicken rice for the first time... and among the six of us, I was supposedly the 'head chef'.

No, that's not a good thing.

Shaza & Sheera made banoffee pie for dessert, while the rest of us were cramped up in the little kitchen, panicking and trying to get everything done in less than 2 hours. "Does this taste okay?" "How is the soup supposed to taste like?!" "Is this how you marinate the chicken?!" "Do we have enough rice?" But alhamdulillah, everything turned out alright and everyone enjoyed the meal. We also surprised Safwan with candles on the pie because it was his birthday only a few days back.

By 11pm all of us girls were so damn lemau from the eventful day that we had. It was difficult to even form a proper sentence. It was a crazy day, really, what with all the spontaneous plans and all after only 3 hours of sleep. But I definitely had a fantastic day with the girls. Sooo much love for them lah. Really looking forward to spending another weekend with them again.

I guess our 2am decision wasn't so bad after all :)

Photos by Shahirah Hasbullah
(I give up trying to align the pictures together. I'll just have to pretend that it doesn't bother me)

A piece of heaven

I think many people would agree that one of the best things in life is seeing your parents smile and hearing them laugh. What's even better is when you know that you put those smiles on their faces. When you were the one to make them laugh. I love it when that happens. It feels so rewarding and, as cheesy as it sounds, it always fills my heart with warm bubbles of absolute joy.

It's one of the little things that I miss the most about home when I'm in London. Back at home I was always up to silly and weird things that would make my mother facepalm herself and wonder loudly, "Where did I go wrong?!" But in the end it would still make her laugh and say, "Menyampah la tengok awak ni," and for some reason that usually makes me really happy.

This morning over breakfast, I randomly decided to watch a video on Bayyinah TV about mothers. In the introduction video, Nouman Ali Khan explained the definition of the Arabic word for 'mother' and where it was derived from. This is what I love about the Arabic language: a lot of the words are derived from old terms, so each word has their own 'history', so to speak. In this case, the Arabic word for mother, 'Umm', has different implications – leadership, uniqueness, foundation, and the most important unit (to name but a few). I'm not going to elaborate on everything, but the bottom line is, obviously, our mothers are the most important person in our lives and in the shaping of our being.

Most of the good things happening to us right now are a direct impact of someone's prayer for us... and that 'someone' is usually our mother. Isn't it? No matter how old you are, and how old she is, a mother's sole concern will always be the wellbeing of her children. There are times when the only person who can make things better is your mother. There's a saying that goes, "A mother is she who can take the place of all others, but whose place no one else can take." Damn right.

I don't know whether watching the video was a good or a bad idea, because now I'm feeling a little homesick -___- I wish I could quickly fly back home, give my mom (and my dad, and my siblings, and my maid, and maybe everyone in KL) a great big hug and a kiss and come back here. But that obviously ain't gonna happen.

I just wanted to share this and make you guys homesick too because I didn't want to be the only one. Haha, kidding. I just figured that it would be nice to remind everyone that there's at least one person in our lives who will keep cheering us on no matter what happens, and that that person is none other than the one who gave birth to us. I think moms are a piece of heaven.

Towards the end of his video, Nouman said, "The joy of our mothers is not just a gift of Allah to them (i.e. our mothers); the joy and happiness of our mothers is a gift of Allah to us. When our mothers are happy, we will find a good life." 

I think that statement's self-explanatory. Time to make our mothers happy!