Little people

Picture taken from Google images

"Isn't it cool that one day you might have little people running around your house that are half you and half the person you love?"

Bihah retweeted this and I can't stop thinking about how absolutely cute this is... and how much I really, really want this. I'd never been one of those people who had always known what they wanted to be when they grow up. Throughout my childhood, my ambition always changed from one to another; but, I suppose just like many other girls, I knew one thing with absolute certainty: I want to be a mom.

I love kids. They can drive you crazy and tire you out (who knew that such tiny beings can wear you out so quickly?!), but I absolutely love them. Towards the end of my high school life I sort of tamed myself to the idea of becoming a child psychologist (with some helpful nudges from my own mother) and I figured that it made perfect sense – do what you love and love what you do, right? I love playing with kids, and I suppose I can say that I'm good with kids, so I thought it didn't matter much that I was opting for a rather unconventional (by Malaysian standards) pathway. When a friend of mine found out that I'm taking a degree in Psychology and that I want to pursue child psychology, he said: "DUDE, I JUST REALISED SOMETHING. YOU'RE TAKING A DEGREE ON HOW TO BE A MOTHER!" That really cracked me up, but I liked the idea – I'm on my way to becoming a 'professional' mother, guys. What up.

I think about a week ago I watched this vine of a man kissing his baby's cheek repeatedly, which made the baby squeal. MY HEART. It's just too cute!!! Is it too typical and predictable to say that I can't wait to have my own baby? My own family? I know some women don't think it a priority to settle down and start a family at this age but... I can't help it. I want it for real. (Permission to judge me for being so hormonal.)

But let's be real now. I'm not ready for all of that. Yet. My life as a singleton is all over the place as it is, and I am under no illusion that I'm ready be a wife, let alone a mother. Of course, being ready is one thing, but finding someone that I want to marry is another... and finding someone who actually wants to marry me? That's a different story altogether. Hahaha. I know that it's nearly impossible to find someone who checks all the boxes in your list, but I believe that when you find the right person, you will accept (or tolerate) and learn to love those unchecked boxes sooner or later. For me however, that kind of person has not come 'round yet.

This brings me to one of my current concerns... I think it's perfectly normal to want your future spouse to possess certain qualities and standards. Personally, I'm even quite particular about some aspects that other people might find trivial. But then again, when I think about all of the things that I want in an ideal husband, I wonder... am I really up to par with 'him'? Would I deserve this man, if he is real?

(Swallows pride) Of course not.

I want a husband who is steadfast in his religion, who never misses his daily prayers, who wakes up for tahajjud in the middle of the night and will wake me up for it too.

... Says the girl who constantly struggles to wake up for Fajr, and delays her 5 obligatory prayers more often than she is happy to admit.

I want a husband who will only have eyes for me, a man who knows the limits of his encounters with other women.

... Says the girl who still finds it extremely hard to lower her gaze, who sometimes (okay fine, many times) forgets the boundaries of boy-girl interactions, the girl who still feels shy to tell a man who extends his hand for a handshake, that "I'm sorry, I don't shake hands with men."

I want a husband who is understanding, who can lower his ego should we have an argument and admit it when he's wrong.

... Says the girl with the Arab temperament and a big ego who always has to be right, the girl who finds it extremely hard to swallow her pride and say sorry whenever she's wrong.

I want a husband who is responsible and wise.

... Says the girl who is neither very responsible nor wise especially when it comes to her shopping habits......

And the list goes on. I thought, this just won't do. I've always been so busy thinking about what I want in my future husband that I don't stop to think if I actually deserve him. So it's  high time that I fix myself and change some of my ways to be the ideal wife for my ideal husband. That's only fair. And once I achieve that, and let's hope I do insyaAllah, maybe then I can think about starting a family and all of the ways I'm going to dress my kids up.

That day won't come so soon, but when it does, people are going to quickly learn that I'm going to be one very annoying mommy who buys matching mother-daughter and father-son outfits.