Stop right there, thank you very much

My heart almost never agrees with my brain. About anything. Things would be so much simpler if they did. Whenever I get a bit emotional, most of the time, it's all just in my head... Or heart.

The thing is, it's not that hard for me to like someone... Even when the situation is unideal. Even when I know that the person is not good for me. Even when my brain tells me that it's not a good idea and that I would only end up getting hurt (sebab syok sendiri, haha). But I like them anyway. Usually it's nothing more than a crush, but I ain't gonna lie, it's still enough to make me sad at times.

I don't know what it is. Have I been single for long enough that I suddenly feel lonely??? I was doing just fine all these years. And now suddenly I find myself trying to not like someone. How do you even stop feelings. Macam useless. I feel like I'm trying to stop a bullet train with my own hands. And I know that the more I try to brush it away or deny it, the more I like that person. Ugh. Isn't it stupid. I wish the brain could share some logic with the heart.

I don't like having feelings for someone. Why can't I just be emotionally unavailable until I get married?! Sigh, penat la. When I like someone, I tell my friends who it is, but mostly, I try to keep my feelings to myself. Sebab the most part of it never makes any sense – I like someone who doesn't know that I like him, and then he goes on living his life, as he should, and then he likes another girl and then I just patah hati sorang-sorang PADAHAL I have no right to be heartbroken pun -___-

It's annoying that no matter what my brain thinks, my heart does not concur. I've been telling myself, "No no no, you shouldn't be feeling this way, heart, please just STOP whatever you're doing!" This is probably just a short stupid phase (let's hope) that I will soon laugh about (with myself). But right now I just find it a bit overwhelming. Do you know how frustrating it is when you can't see a future with someone but you have feelings for them anyway. Hah.

I suppose that's not really my call. God knows best. "Kalau dah jodoh, takkan ke mana." But then again the uncertainty does not make things any better.

I hate feelings. Where is the Off button on this thing.

Ya Allah, please do not attach my heart to what's not written to be mine.

(Sorry that this post sounds very high school. Just needed to vent it out.)