Little people

Picture taken from Google images

"Isn't it cool that one day you might have little people running around your house that are half you and half the person you love?"

Bihah retweeted this and I can't stop thinking about how absolutely cute this is... and how much I really, really want this. I'd never been one of those people who had always known what they wanted to be when they grow up. Throughout my childhood, my ambition always changed from one to another; but, I suppose just like many other girls, I knew one thing with absolute certainty: I want to be a mom.

I love kids. They can drive you crazy and tire you out (who knew that such tiny beings can wear you out so quickly?!), but I absolutely love them. Towards the end of my high school life I sort of tamed myself to the idea of becoming a child psychologist (with some helpful nudges from my own mother) and I figured that it made perfect sense – do what you love and love what you do, right? I love playing with kids, and I suppose I can say that I'm good with kids, so I thought it didn't matter much that I was opting for a rather unconventional (by Malaysian standards) pathway. When a friend of mine found out that I'm taking a degree in Psychology and that I want to pursue child psychology, he said: "DUDE, I JUST REALISED SOMETHING. YOU'RE TAKING A DEGREE ON HOW TO BE A MOTHER!" That really cracked me up, but I liked the idea – I'm on my way to becoming a 'professional' mother, guys. What up.

I think about a week ago I watched this vine of a man kissing his baby's cheek repeatedly, which made the baby squeal. MY HEART. It's just too cute!!! Is it too typical and predictable to say that I can't wait to have my own baby? My own family? I know some women don't think it a priority to settle down and start a family at this age but... I can't help it. I want it for real. (Permission to judge me for being so hormonal.)

But let's be real now. I'm not ready for all of that. Yet. My life as a singleton is all over the place as it is, and I am under no illusion that I'm ready be a wife, let alone a mother. Of course, being ready is one thing, but finding someone that I want to marry is another... and finding someone who actually wants to marry me? That's a different story altogether. Hahaha. I know that it's nearly impossible to find someone who checks all the boxes in your list, but I believe that when you find the right person, you will accept (or tolerate) and learn to love those unchecked boxes sooner or later. For me however, that kind of person has not come 'round yet.

This brings me to one of my current concerns... I think it's perfectly normal to want your future spouse to possess certain qualities and standards. Personally, I'm even quite particular about some aspects that other people might find trivial. But then again, when I think about all of the things that I want in an ideal husband, I wonder... am I really up to par with 'him'? Would I deserve this man, if he is real?

(Swallows pride) Of course not.

I want a husband who is steadfast in his religion, who never misses his daily prayers, who wakes up for tahajjud in the middle of the night and will wake me up for it too.

... Says the girl who constantly struggles to wake up for Fajr, and delays her 5 obligatory prayers more often than she is happy to admit.

I want a husband who will only have eyes for me, a man who knows the limits of his encounters with other women.

... Says the girl who still finds it extremely hard to lower her gaze, who sometimes (okay fine, many times) forgets the boundaries of boy-girl interactions, the girl who still feels shy to tell a man who extends his hand for a handshake, that "I'm sorry, I don't shake hands with men."

I want a husband who is understanding, who can lower his ego should we have an argument and admit it when he's wrong.

... Says the girl with the Arab temperament and a big ego who always has to be right, the girl who finds it extremely hard to swallow her pride and say sorry whenever she's wrong.

I want a husband who is responsible and wise.

... Says the girl who is neither very responsible nor wise especially when it comes to her shopping habits......

And the list goes on. I thought, this just won't do. I've always been so busy thinking about what I want in my future husband that I don't stop to think if I actually deserve him. So it's  high time that I fix myself and change some of my ways to be the ideal wife for my ideal husband. That's only fair. And once I achieve that, and let's hope I do insyaAllah, maybe then I can think about starting a family and all of the ways I'm going to dress my kids up.

That day won't come so soon, but when it does, people are going to quickly learn that I'm going to be one very annoying mommy who buys matching mother-daughter and father-son outfits.

I'm back where my heart is!

I'm home again! Alhamdulillah, after a very very very long journey, being at home with my family makes it all worth it.

Packing this time 'round was not so stressful because I knew what I needed to bring back: textbooks, textbooks, and more textbooks. I'll be having exams in January and I'm absolutely terrified because the class tests that we'd had for the modules pretty much killed me. I'll have to discipline myself during the holidays... which seems like an impossible feat right now... but it has to be done. One way or another. God help me.

I'd brought back 7 textbooks. Even with little else in my suitcase, it weighed 30.6kg. Dude. It was almost as heavy as I am. I had to lug the huge thing to the tube station, carry it down a flight of stairs (with Rem's help), and yank it onto the tube. Thank God I was travelling with my sister and Rem. If I was alone I'd be crying in frustration because my luggage wouldn't budge.

The flight was smooth alhamdulillah but I drifted in and out of sleep so many times that I wonder how I'd even slept in flights before this. One good thing about being petite is that I can fold myself into foetus position in the seat in economy, so basically throughout most of the 13 hours I tried to arrange myself in every angle possible to try to be comfortable. My body ached and my neck hurt, but ahhh none of it matters now because I'll be sleeping in my own bed tonight! Yay!!

When we got home just now Najwa and I were so excited because we had a little surprise for our dad from London. On Friday after class we'd gone to his all-time favourite kebab place, Taza, and packed some kebabs and the sauces to bring home. It's been a year since he last had it and I was so excited to see his reaction. When we gave it to him, the only thing he said for about 5 minutes was "Woooo!!!" Hahaha you don't understand the satisfaction that we felt. We've always struggled to figure out what gift to get him for his birthday, Father's Day, etc. Taza. Taza was the answer all along.

We did feel bad because we didn't get anything as meaningful for our mom, but we've told her that if we could bring back John Lewis for her, we would have.

I got my sambal tumis udang, which is like the favourite of all my favourites. I totally forgot that I had to control my intake of sambal until my dad pointed out that I'm gonna get sakit perut if I didn't. But of course I couldn't stop myself.

And as if the night wasn't already good enough, I got to watch the Manchester United match in HD!!! CRIES!!! One of the things that I always complain about being in London is that I don't get to watch HD football. I have to opt for livestreaming for most matches (provided that I'm even home to watch the match) and the resolution is horrible. So you can imagine how thrilled I was when I could watch my favourite team play (AND WIN) against Liverpool, with my dad and brothers, in high definition. Perfect football night.

Have you ever had those times when you just feel so grateful for everything that your heart feels like it's about to burst? Tonight was one of those times for me. Alhamdulillah :)

Rush hour

I just realised that I've been off of Blogger for quite some time now. These past few weeks have been somewhat crazy that I haven't even been reading the blogs that I'm following.

All of my weekends had been fully occupied in November. From college reunion, to Nottingham Games, to having my cousin over from Bristol. It's all been really great fun, but there were also the class tests, the lab reports, assignments, and now I've got another social experiment and presentation to carry out. If you see me and think that I'm handling it all well, you're lucky you can't actually see how much of a mess my mind is right now. Honestly? I'm always on the brink of a panic attack.

I'd love to write out my thoughts in this space and share about everything that's been happening (not that it's all so interesting), but I've got to catch up with life. As always. That's how it is when you're a top-notch procrastinator.

With everything that's happening in my life right now, I feel like I'm always living in London rush hour – walking fast, quickly slipping through the gaps between people, dodging other commuters from the opposite direction; all the while pacing my breaths to calm myself down as a slight sense of claustrophobia gently grips my heart in a panic. But alas, nobody else has brought this upon me but myself. Haha.

I really really really can't wait for the winter break, and I'm sure I'm not the only one... Not long now. Anyway, I hope everyone's doing well, wherever you are. I'll be back soooon insyaAllah xx