An insecure girl

The world has this crazy concept about how a woman should look. If they (i.e. the people in this world, most definitely the media) don't directly tell you to look a certain way, they suggest it to you by slipping some ideas into your head. They perpetuate this mentality that 'beauty' equals to appearance and almost always discard the importance of character, behaviour and intelligence.

Ladies. We were (generally) made to be kind, compassionate, and loving creatures, to name but a few. But the recipe to create a woman also includes jealousy and insecurity among other things. This is inevitable. More often than not, we see jokes about overprotective and jealous girlfriends on social media and the reason why they're so funny is that there's an element of truth in them. It's normal to be jealous. Some people get more jealous than others and it's not wrong – everyone's created differently. Different strengths and weaknesses.

Just be careful not to hurt or kill anyone who flirts with your boyfriend.

Anyway, back to my point. We see the things fed to us by the media everyday and eventually develop our own ideas of how we should look like. We get jealous of another girl's looks. We're so obsessed with physical perfection, we practically splurge on products that can make us look better. I'm definitely not excused from this.

When we're not in our best state of mind, some thoughts linger in our minds when we lie down in bed and keep us awake until the wee hours in the morning.

"Why am I not as pretty as her."

"Why can't I be taller."
"Her eyes are so beautiful. I wish mine were too."

"Why don't I have nicer hair."
"My cheeks are so chubby."

"Why am I not skinnier."

"Why am I too skinny."
"My nose is too big."

"Why do I have these stretch marks."
"I hate these dark circles under my eyes."

"Why isn't my smile as pretty as hers."
"My skin is horrible."

The worst thing is that these insecurities will come attacking all at once. We find things to hate about ourselves without realising that it's these things that we have to be thankful for. It's dangerous because we easily forget the things we've been blessed with. Whenever you complain about your hair, remember that some chemotherapy patients would give anything to have their hair back. When you complain about not having a thigh gap or whatever it is that some people are so concerned about, remember that it means that you have legs. Legs are given to you to enable you to walk, not so that you can compare the size of your thighs to other people's.

It's easy to feel insecure about yourself. It's easy to feel inadequate. But you don't have to be the prettiest girl on the planet to be worthy of love and appreciation. You don't have to be a size 2, or have the nicest hair, or wear the most expensive clothes, or have porcelain skin. These things are nice to have, but they're not the most important things in life. Don't let these obsessions cloud your judgement and diminish your self-worth.

Stop looking for appreciation and acceptance in all the wrong places. If you try to fulfil society's idea of beauty, you'll never be happy. Beauty is not meant to be objective; it has always been subjective. It's in the eye of the beholder – weren't we taught this saying when we were still too young to understand it? Someone somewhere thinks you're beautiful just as you are. Despite your uneven skin tone, your messy eyebrows, your crooked smile, the blemishes on your face, the pimples that keep popping out in the most obvious places. Despite all the 'flaws' that you keep trying to hide under your makeup.

Whenever the insecurities hit you and you feel down in the dumps, count your blessings. God has bestowed you with things that you didn't even deserve in the first place – so why dismiss all of that and complain about a few things you're unhappy about? Don't let these things get to you and make you ungrateful. You have so much to be thankful for, it's insane.

"Which then of the bounties of your Lord will you deny?"

I write this post more as a reminder to myself than anyone else. I have days where I feel so bothered by how I look. Sometimes I remember the things that people say to me and I feel so sad. I usually look like I don't mind whenever someone points out my (physical) flaws, but to be perfectly honest, most times, it hurts a little bit. Naturally I never tell this to people because I don't want them to know that their comment upset me.

But I've learnt (and am still learning) to accept my flaws and embrace my insecurities. I'm starting to feel a little more comfortable in my own skin. I still have those bad days, but it's easier now for me to shake it off and keep my chin up. I realise that it's not just about being accepted by others in spite of your flaws. It's more about accepting yourself and your flaws.

Besides, God has given me so much in my life to be thankful for. I'm spoiled with the good things and am humbled by the bad. Alhamdulillah. I saw this saying on Tumblr once and I keep it close to my heart to this day: "You think you're down on your luck, when really, you're blessed beyond means."

Don't let the world make you feel ugly and inadequate. Beauty is more than just appearances. Chin up, buttercup!

Run chicken run

Just now after dinner I had one of the occasional story-telling sessions with my mum, brother and sister. While we took turns telling stories, I suddenly remembered the first time that I chased after chickens in the kampung. I don't remember how old I was, but I was definitely still in primary school. It was raya season and my family & I went to visit my grandaunt's house in Semenyih which had a big backyard. She had chickens running around freely there which made me excited – city girl masuk kampung, right.

I remember feeding the chickens some bread with my sister. There were a rooster, a hen, and a handful of chicks. (Before that, let me tell you that I was wearing a three-quarter denim skirt, with a slight slit at the back). So at one point, I felt so jakun and I started chasing the chickens. They were so shocked that they dispersed in a panic – one chick went straight while the hen and the other chicks ran in another direction. I thought, "Okay, whatever," and continued chasing the lonely little chick until suddenly... I heard a very loud cluck behind me.

I turned my head around and yeap, sure enough, I saw the hen running after me! That was one very angry ayam. I was so scared and mind you, my skirt didn't give much room for big steps. I must have looked like an idiot, trying to run (away from a chicken!!) in a tight skirt. After a while I wondered why the hen was still chasing after me until I realised that in my haste to get away from the flapping mother hen, I was still unintentionally chasing the little chick.

So I quickly steered away and the hen stopped chasing me and went straight to her chick. Thank God. I could feel the hen glaring at me, probably thinking "Nobody messes with my chick."

After that incident I never tried chasing a little chick again. Konon nak kejar ayam, tapi in the end aku yang kena kejar dengan ayam.

Loving someone

To me, loving someone isn't about knowing every single fact there is to know about them. It's about remembering the trivial things about their habits and character. It's about paying attention to the things that others barely even notice.

It's remembering which part of a chicken he likes best, how he likes his tea with two cubes of sugar and no milk, and how he furrows his eyebrows when he's annoyed by something, even if he denies it.

It's noticing that he always mumbles inaudibly to himself whenever he's driving and is unsure about the directions. It's knowing that he will always argue that he's right, but will still Google up your facts and try to understand where you're coming from.

It's knowing that he sleeps with a pillow that he's had since he was five, and that he always drinks a cup of water the first thing when he wakes up. It's realising that he tends to scrunch up his nose ever so slightly when he disapproves of something, and how he always licks his lips whenever he's fixated on a task.

It's remembering how he doesn't like to use his phone at the dining table, and how he loves helping his mother out with the groceries on the weekends. It's noticing how he purses his lips in uncomfortable situations and clenches his jaw when he tries not to say something out of anger.

It's knowing that he's upset when he says "Mhmm" rather than "Yes", that he needs some time to cool down before apologising for something, and that he doesn't like to be disturbed when he has work to do. It's noticing how he separates the food on his plate, how he taps his fingers on his side whenever he's anxious, and how he subconsciously hums an old Alleycats song when he thinks nobody's listening.

It's knowing that he likes to wear a little bit of perfume in the morning even if he's just going to stay at home the whole day, and that he likes to hug his mother before she goes to bed every night. It's knowing that he hates it when people keep telling him to quit smoking, but  secretly he's been cutting down considerably on the cigarettes.

It's recognising the way he walks even from a mile away, and being able to spot the top of his head in a crowd, and remembering how his pinky finger can't bend due to an injury from a childhood accident. It's noticing how he hates eating mushrooms except when they're on a pizza, how his face always brightens up as his little sister walks into the room, and how annoyed he gets if someone sits on his neatly made bed.

It's realising how quiet he gets around his father, not out of fear but out of respect. It's noticing how he constantly tips the worker who helps him at a petrol station, no matter how discreet he always tries to be. It's knowing that he likes to eat his fries with vanilla ice cream, and that he only eats his KFC chickens with Life chilli sauce.

It's remembering that he goes to see his grandparents every Saturday night, and that he loves to count the number of anchovies in his nasi lemak. It's noticing how he shuts his eyes tightly whenever he tries to remember someone's name, and how he always snaps his fingers every time he remembers something important.

No matter how insignificant these things are to most people, they mean a whole lot to you simply because they add up to one of your most favourite people in this world. Loving someone means you care enough about a person to actually take notice of their quirks and habits, even though you can't understand some of them. I personally feel that the little things about a person take up a lot more space in your heart than anything else. They're the things that you tend to miss the most whenever he's away.

I don't know much about love. Love is a lot of things. It has no absolute definition and is almost always beyond description. But one thing I do know is that, it's not always expressed through the words "I love you."