Relationship talk

"You takda anyone ke sekarang ni?"
"Tak cari boyfriend mat salleh?"
"Dah ada boyfriend ke belum?"

FAQ when you're in your twenties. My answer is the same every time, "No, I don't want a relationship right now."

Here's why. Aside from it being haram, I've got a lot of other reasons why I really don't want a boyfriend. Some may disagree with me, and that's fine. People have different priorities in life, and having a boyfriend/girlfriend may be one of the prime concerns for some people. It's not for me.

I've only ever been in one relationship before. It was nice while it lasted but very painful when it ended. I was heartbroken for quite a long time and ever since then I think I'd slowly built a wall around myself. People kept asking me when I was going to meet someone new, but that was the last thing that I wanted to do. Why would I recover from a heartbreak only to set myself up for another one? Of course I can't completely protect myself from getting hurt, but as much as I can help it, I will.

I don't know why people stay in a relationship if they don't see it ending in marriage. Why bother, then? Why do you waste your time? You go to places, you have songs for each other, you give each other gifts and collect mementos from dates. You take beautiful pictures with your arms around each other. Maybe, just maybe, one day you break up. The places that you love remind you of your ex. You've got songs you can't listen to because now they hold another meaning. You own things that he gave you, but you can't possibly throw away. Like that Michael Kors watch he gave you for your birthday. Or the bracelet that he bought for you as an anniversary present. You love this particular picture of when you went on a roadtrip, or a concert, but the picture has him in it.

I don't know, maybe it's not like that for everyone. Maybe I'm just the sentimental type. Maybe I'm a bit too pessimistic about relationships. Maybe I'm sensitive about a lot things. Maybe.

Someone once told me, "If a man is serious and sincere about being with you, he will come knocking at the door to see your parents, not you." Basically this means that if a man likes you, he will see your parents first and ask for your hand in marriage. He will do it the right way. Instead of doing the norm nowadays – asking you out and 'proposing' to you to be his girlfriend – he will meet your parents, ask for their blessing and permission to be with their daughter, and thus implicitly make a vow to them that he will take care of you. A man like this knows his responsibilities. He is aware that if something were to happen, he knows whom he has to answer to.

Too conservative? Probably, but I think it's beautiful. It upholds the status of a woman and shows how precious she is. It gives you security and assurance about a man's sincere intentions if he really does that. It affirms how much he values you.

If you've watched Pride and Prejudice (starring Keira Knightley and Matthew Macfadyen), you'd know that this was a common practice even among the non-Muslims in the olden days. I think it's such a shame that this custom is mostly lost with time. If you haven't watched the movie yet, for crying out loud, please download it now and watch it. 

People would argue that it's necessary to really, really know the person that you're going to marry. How can you marry a person you've just known for 6 months? A year? 2 years?

Sure, I agree that it's absolutely imperative to know if you're marrying Mr. Right. But that doesn't mean that you have to be with him for a certain duration of time before you're allowed to tie the knot. There's no rule for this. You can be with someone for 10 years before getting married and still get a divorce somewhere down the road. Or, you can marry someone you've only known for barely a year and still have a long, happy married life.

The blessing is not in the number of years you've had together pre-marriage. This is what I believe. This is what I hold on to. So it's okay that some aunties seem to think that it's 'now or never' in the relationship department. If love doesn't come now, it will come later, insyaAllah – and when it does come a-knocking, I'd want to keep it halal.

Ergo, if you ask me why I'm single, I will tell you quite simply: "Because no one has masuk meminang yet."

..... Not that I'll marry the first person who proposes.