Stop right there, thank you very much

My heart almost never agrees with my brain. About anything. Things would be so much simpler if they did. Whenever I get a bit emotional, most of the time, it's all just in my head... Or heart.

The thing is, it's not that hard for me to like someone... Even when the situation is unideal. Even when I know that the person is not good for me. Even when my brain tells me that it's not a good idea and that I would only end up getting hurt (sebab syok sendiri, haha). But I like them anyway. Usually it's nothing more than a crush, but I ain't gonna lie, it's still enough to make me sad at times.

I don't know what it is. Have I been single for long enough that I suddenly feel lonely??? I was doing just fine all these years. And now suddenly I find myself trying to not like someone. How do you even stop feelings. Macam useless. I feel like I'm trying to stop a bullet train with my own hands. And I know that the more I try to brush it away or deny it, the more I like that person. Ugh. Isn't it stupid. I wish the brain could share some logic with the heart.

I don't like having feelings for someone. Why can't I just be emotionally unavailable until I get married?! Sigh, penat la. When I like someone, I tell my friends who it is, but mostly, I try to keep my feelings to myself. Sebab the most part of it never makes any sense – I like someone who doesn't know that I like him, and then he goes on living his life, as he should, and then he likes another girl and then I just patah hati sorang-sorang PADAHAL I have no right to be heartbroken pun -___-

It's annoying that no matter what my brain thinks, my heart does not concur. I've been telling myself, "No no no, you shouldn't be feeling this way, heart, please just STOP whatever you're doing!" This is probably just a short stupid phase (let's hope) that I will soon laugh about (with myself). But right now I just find it a bit overwhelming. Do you know how frustrating it is when you can't see a future with someone but you have feelings for them anyway. Hah.

I suppose that's not really my call. God knows best. "Kalau dah jodoh, takkan ke mana." But then again the uncertainty does not make things any better.

I hate feelings. Where is the Off button on this thing.

Ya Allah, please do not attach my heart to what's not written to be mine.

(Sorry that this post sounds very high school. Just needed to vent it out.)

Oz

Hi. I know I said I'd write about my winter break after my exams but... Hahaha I'm sorry I got too carried away with life. Anyway. So let me tell you about what happened.

A few months back, my parents had decided to go to umrah for our December holiday. We were supposed to hand in our documents for our visa by mid-November, but with me & Najwa being all the way in London, that couldn't be done. That being the case, I thought that was it. Khalas. Another time then, insyaAllah.

Nope. The morning after we arrived home (from London), my mom woke me up and asked me to take pictures for the visa. I was like "What?!" It was already so late to submit the documents but my dad still wanted to give it a shot. I was a bit reluctant to be honest, because it was so last minute and I just wanted to stay at home for the break and study for my Jan exams. I felt a bit guilty for choosing home over Mekah. I have always wanted to go there, but given the circumstances, I just didn't feel ready. I was pretty conflicted about it. Part of me wanted to go so much, but another part of me wished that we wouldn't get to. Everything was just so rushed.

In the end, we got the visas, our bags were packed, but no flights were available. So that was that. And I thought we were just gonna stay at home for once over the holidays.

But nope.

My dad didn't want to waste his days off from work, so, long story short, 2 days later, he went to MAS' office. My mom got a call from him in the late afternoon. Saying that we should pack our things because we were going to Melbourne. The very next morning. At 10am.

?!?!?!?!!!??!!

So we had to unpack our umrah things and then pack a whole different set of clothes for Melbourne. Guys. I'd left all of my clothes in London, and my favourite jeans were in the wash. I spent the whole night trying out everything I had in my wardrobe at home, playing mix-and-match. My room looked like it'd been hit by a hurricane.

Aaanyway. Melbourne was scorching hot and dry. And very expensive, might I add. A small bottle of mineral water there is $2.80!!! I keep telling people the same thing hahaha but I just find this so absurd and unreasonable. And I thought London was already expensive. Yikes.

We didn't get to do as much as we wanted to during our stay there, sadly. Since our trip was last minute and lacked prior planning, we couldn't find any available rental cars so we pretty much went around the city using the trams.

We did very simple touristy things: went to Luna Park, St Kilda beach, the Aquarium, Melbourne Zoo, and walked around the city for a bit. The boys had brought their Penny boards with them so in the evenings we would just hang out near the apartment and watch them skate.... and also take turns skating. Even my parents had a go! Hahaha I have videos of them on the Penny but, I mean, I still need a place to stay guys.

I'd forgotten to transfer the pictures from the camera to my laptop so I'll just upload a few of the ones that I have on my phone. Which is nothing much, really.

Luna Park & St Kilda

The Aquarium

One of my favourite animals of all time

These guys are really good at pretend-candid poses 

What'd I tell you

St Kilda Pier

This is probably my favourite part of our trip. We went to St Kilda Pier to watch the penguins come up at sunset. Up to this point, I'd only ever seen penguins in huge glassed enclosures in aquariums or the zoo, so it was quite amazing to see the penguins naturally swim up to the pier, waddle their way up to the rocks and call out to their friends. Quite a lot of people were at the pier, and the penguins were shy so they mostly hid in between the rocks, which made it quite tricky to spot them.

When we read about it online, it said no photography was allowed so we didn't bother to take our DSLR. Once we got there we found out that it actually meant no flash photography. And you know how suckish the iPhone camera is in poor lighting conditions. So we only ended up with grainy pictures of the penguins.

Spot the little birdie!

The only penguin that was loving the attention

It wasn't much of an eventful trip, but family time is family time, and that's what really matters. Speaking of which.... we flew home on New Year's Eve and arrived in KL the next morning, and my cousin was getting married the day after that. In Johor.

So you know what that means.

Unpacking and packing again. Ha ha ha. Anyone who knows me well enough would know that I absolutely hate packing. I honestly felt like I was being punished for something that I didn't (kidding, I probably did) do. We had like 9 hours to get a short rest, mandi, unpack and pack again, wait for the tailor to send our outfits for the wedding, and get ready. I don't even know how my dad had managed to drive all the way to Johor. Cray.

But being with my (extended) family was really the icing on the cake la. In those 4 days I laughed like a hyena and ate like a horse, and it was so so so much fun to be with everyone. (Maybe it'll be a good story for the next story time.)

After Johor, my sister and I only had a few days before we went back to London; so yeap, more packing..... *grabs a gun*

Yeesh. In less than a month I'd packed waaay more times than I was willing to. If you ask me what I remember the most about my winter break, I'd probably say "Packing and unpacking."