Never say never

Orang kata, "never say never". Why? Because you might end up (voluntarily) stepping into the very hole that you swore you'll never fall into.

Take me, for instance. For the longest time, I vowed that I would never ever delve into this one thing that I have recently signed up for...... and that 'thing', ladies and gentlemen, is the Korean world of entertainment.

One thing to note here is that I have managed to evade this blackhole (as Nadia calls it) for many many years. Sometime back in high school, my cousin was completely hooked to everything Korean – music, dramas, food, you name it. Come to think of it, I don't even know what got her started! It was really weird, she started eating vegetables because of the Korean world. She would even battle for the remote control so that she could watch the news on the Korean channel on Astro. She watched Korean news guys!!! Gila. Berita Malaysia tak pernah pulak tengok. Hahaha ntah pape. But aside from watching Korean news in the living room, as far as I knew, she did everything else by herself. Cried over dramas alone, fangirled over singers/actors alone. She once went to a K-Pop concert alone. Pure dedication right there. But for some reason, I wasn't at all curious about it. I just knew that I had a psychotic cousin and that was that.

Then there were my classmates. Oh gosh. In Secondary 5, I was in an all-girls class. I have no idea who started it, but at one point, almost all of the girls were passing around a DVD of Boys Over Flowers. They took turns watching it and would talk about it in class every single day. I swear I felt like I was unwillingly stuck in a K-drama society! The only name I knew was Gu Jun Pyo. Taaak habis-habis. But even then, I never got in on the hype. I was quite proud of myself actually hahaha.

I don't remember anyone else in my life who was Korean-crazy but after school, I was pretty much rimas with all of it. It might have been the hype on Twitter or something that made me just so annoyed with all things Korean. I decided that I don't want to watch or listen to anything Korean. I know it sounds arrogant, but I felt like it was all too... in-my-face. I hated it.

Then I entered college. It was my first boarding experience, so I was really nervous about getting roommates (aka chaletmates in KY terms). I remember on my first day, when I was setting up my room, I said to my parents: "I really hope none of my chaletmates are K-pop fans!"

...... The moment I said that, one of my chaletmates walked out of her room with a huge grin on her face and a giant poster of a K-pop band (Big Bang? 2PM? Lord knows) in her hands. Hahahaha. And that was how I met Shaza, the most hardcore fan that I have ever personally known – she lived and breathed Korean, it was crazy! It was everything I could not comprehend. The whole time I lived with her, I thought, how on earth could someone be super dedicated to the Korean world?! She knew all the songs and I still remember how she would laugh like a pontianak whenever she watches Running Man and scare the heck out of the rest of us. One of my greatest achievements so far was getting Shaza to start watching How I Met Your Mother. Hahaha I'm telling you, it seriously toned down her obsession to a much safer level. Even so, living with a K-pop maniac for 2 years never piqued my curiosity.

Fast forward to the present year. So a few months back, Rahimah slept over and she wanted to watch the latest episode of Running Man (which was another thing that I really could not understand, because people kept laughing at things that I didn't find funny). I was curious about why people loved the show so much so I sat down with her and asked her to explain it to me. Then I slowly started to get it. I slowly managed to remember the names of the members, and then distinguish their faces, and then match the names to the right faces. Then I got to know each of their characters. Then I was hooked because of how much it made me laugh. Then suddenly.... it was all I wanted to watch. The horror.

It always starts with Running Man, doesn't it? Aiya.

So here I am now, somewhat able to remember Korean names and Korean faces, having crushes on some Korean celebrities. Also have some favourite Korean words already. Also starting to be acquainted with the wonders of Korean skincare. Also kind of thinking about planning a visit to Seoul to get a lifetime supply of their skincare products. Also have watched my first ever Korean drama (!!!).

*kibar bendera putih*

I have finally succumbed. My 17-year-old self would be ashamed. #noragrets

Kan orang dah kata, never say never.

Tears in the kitchen

Today as I was peeling anchovies while preparing to cook for dinner, suddenly something my uncle said a few years ago popped into my head. "Hati-hati okay makan nasi goreng? Ada tulang ikan bilis sikit dalam tu. Nenek dah tua, dia tak buang tulang betul-betul. Sorry eh?"

And just like that, I was sat at the dining table with a sudden ache in my heart, tears in my eyes, and anchovies in my hands. It's funny, how something so simple and small can conjure up a memory of what had seemed like an insignificant moment on an ordinary day.

It wasn't the first time this happened. There'd been a few times when I'd be cooking and suddenly be reminded of my late grandmother, and I'd miss her so much. Like, it would actually physically hurt. One time, the memory of her came so suddenly that it caught me off guard and I burst into tears as I was adding salt into the pot. (Don't worry, the lauk didn't turn out extra masin and my tears didn't end up in the food either.)

The kitchen just generally reminds me of her, and I don't mean it as an insult in any way. My late grandmother was an amazing cook. I know this for a fact, not only because I'm her granddaughter and I'm super biased, but also because she used to be a cook in a palace back in the days.

When it comes to cooking, she was in a league of her own. My mum told me once that Nenek could just look at the steam rising up from a pot and instantly tell if the lauk had enough salt. I've been trying to work out the science behind this by observing steam (and looking like an idiot while at it), but I still can't see the difference. I mean, steam is steam. What exactly do I look for?

My Nenek was that good, guys. God knows how many other tricks she had up her sleeve. She got mad skillz in the kitchen. That's right, skillz with a 'z'. Cucunya?

... Takpa la, takyah cerita. Tak tahu apa jadi.

I used to be so nervous at the thought of cooking for my grandmother. Just the mere thought of it was nerve-wracking enough, so I couldn't ever imagine having her actually taste the food that I cook. Now, she never will.

I know that my heart has space for a lot of things and a lot of people. But I feel like tonight, my heart only has room for her, and it's missing her terribly. If only she knew.

Hidung sumbat

Hi guys, I hope everyone's been great and well, wherever you are.

The weather in England has been really weird lately (actually, come to think of it, when is it ever not weird). It was getting quite warm at one point, warm enough to make me think that spring's finally here, and suddenly the weather decided to take a turn and it got really cold again. And not just cold, really windy too! I'm already so tired of cold wind blowing in my face. Even more tired of not being able to walk in a straight line. I'm late for class as it is! Can the wind please stop blowing me sideways!!! Or backwards!!!

I've been living in London for 3 years now and the fickleness of the weather here is still too much for me sometimes. The weather's been so bad lately, and I've got a fever to top it all off. Generally, it's not very easy for me to fall sick. Alhamdulillah it's been like that since I was much younger; even when everyone around me was getting sick, I would always be the last one standing. Earlier last week, Najwa got a fever and she was bedridden for a few days. About two days later I was coughing and my throat was starting to get sore. I thought it'd go away the day after, as it usually does, but things only went downhill afterwards.

We were both bedridden over the weekend, poppin' pills like M&M's and wearing Kool Aid on our foreheads, which, btw, does not help you look cool at all. I hadn't been that sick and weak in sooo long so it was quite a shock to the system. I was a complete vegetable! My fever was ridiculously high, I was coughing myself awake in the nights, and I was sneezing so much my nose was gonna tercampak somewhere.

Alhamdulillah both Najwa and I are feeling much better now though, we're both walking about again (around the apartment). But we're both still coughing like mad, and my nose is completely blocked. It's a weird kind of blocked right now 'cause I can breathe through my nose perfectly but I can't taste my food at all. I haven't been able to taste my food for about 4 days now. I made Maggi the other day and I couldn't even smell the curry goodness! Criiieeeessss.

This is probably a good time as any to eat as many vegetables as I don't like, since I can't taste it anyway. But then..... why eat vegetables when you're already one, right. #distortedthinking

I really just can't wait for warmer weather!!! The winter sun's been great whenever it does show up, but let's face it, it gives out very little warmth!

Anyway, take care everyone. Stay safe, warm, healthy, and hydrated xxx

What my Instagram doesn't tell you

You have no idea how many incomplete drafts I currently have on my blog. For the past week I'd been meaning to blog about a few things but I never got round to finishing the posts. Eheh, sorray. I hope I'll get the chance to finish them soon enough, but for now there's this one liiittle thing that I want to talk about.

Actually this matter has been niggling at the back of my mind for quite a while now because of the things that I've been hearing from some people. To be honest, I'm a bit uncomfortable and insecure about this topic so it's rather awkward to be talking about it on such a public platform. But I just want to get this off my chest and clarify some things for my own sake, so please bear with me.

I'm not gonna beat around the bush: it's about my Instagram and the impressions that people get from it. (This is harder than I thought it would be; it's actually painful to type out these words.) I know I shouldn't care so much about what other people think of me, but..... I can't help it la. It does bother me to a certain extent; and though I know that I can't please everyone, I don't want people to get the wrong impression of me. (N.B. Neuroticism 101)

Some people scroll through my Instagram feed and come up with all sorts of conclusion about me and my life. The most popular one being that I'm (ughhh, here it comes, drum rolls please).... high maintenance. Okay fine, to some degree, I admit that I am. It literally took me years to come to terms with this about myself, so don't poke me. But!!! If you don't know me personally, trust me when I say that I'm not as bad as you think I am. 

And some people get the idea that I'm always properly dressed or that I have so many clothes to wear that I rarely wear the same thing more than once. Nooooooo. There's an art to this! I mix and match my clothes with different pants and scarves all the time so that they make up different outfits. Either that, or I simply don't post a picture of myself wearing the same outfit on a different day. Please la percaya, I'll give you lollipop. In real life, I'm actually biasa je, honestly. How I portray myself on Instagram is just one side of me. And I have like, 30 different versions of myself, maybe even more haha. So please don't make rash judgments about me from the pictures I post on the site.

Some people treat Instagram like a diary. They post about day-to-day stuff, so you know where they go and what they're up to on a typical day. And that's totally fine. I'm not criticising them or anything, I actually enjoy the way their pictures would tell a story. But here's the thing: I don't do that. 

I choose what I want to show people on my Instagram. I choose the angles, the filters, the lighting. I choose the pictures in which I look good. I only post pictures of events when I'm nicely dressed, my face is made up, and my scarf looks neat. That's hardly surprising. I choose to post pictures of my outfits only when I actually make an effort to dress up – which is not that often! I choose to show the good moments – and even then, not all of them. Only some. Bottomline is, you only see really small snippets of my life; all handpicked, all filtered, all carefully curated.

To put it quite bluntly, my Instagram shows the polished version of my life – the nice clothes I wear (at least I think they're nice anyway), the beautiful places I visit, the delicious food I eat –, but it doesn't tell you a lot of things.

It doesn't tell you that I always just stay in with pimple cream on my face. It doesn't tell you that I'd much rather go to a warung or mamak to eat, rather than fancy places (I mean, it is fun to go to fancy places once in a while, but when it comes down to it, it's the warung's and mamak's that I miss the most when I'm in London). It doesn't show you how selekeh I look like 90% of the time. It doesn't tell you that I am the laziest dresser when it comes to uni. It doesn't show you how I act/behave around the people I'm comfortable with. And it certainly doesn't tell you how petite I actually am in real life – people always terkejut when they see me in person because I look so tall in pictures. (I wanted to state my actual height but that would take the fun out of things.) If there's a few things that my Instagram feed does tell you about me, it might be: (a) my taste, (b) how I view the world, and (c) how weird I am.

You're probably wondering about the last point. At the expense of you judging me, let me try to explain.

You see, I'm very attentive to the aesthetics and appearance of my Instagram layout. Basically the colours in all of the pictures need to go well with each other. If the colours clash, I'll delete one of the pictures. If a picture makes my feed look dark, it has to go. I've deleted pictures with friends a few times and some of them got so annoyed that their picture's suddenly gone, hahaha. I don't know why it bothers me so much. It's stupid, but it kind of gives me peace of mind. I'm just... weird that way. So, kesimpulannya, my Instagram looks good not because my life is 'perfect' or anything, it only looks good because I'm obsessive. There really is nothing else to it. Hahaha capisce?

I admit that it's partly my fault. I should've known that people would misinterpret what I portray as 'my life', because I've been in that position where I made assumptions about others' lives, too. I never intended to deceive or mislead people by any means. Bukannya nak tunjuk that my life is better than yours or whatever. I'm sorry if it ever came off that way, but I promise you, that's never my intention. I share what I want to share, maybe even spread some good and happy vibes to others while I'm at it. I just didn't realise that it would give people the wrong impression.

What you see on my Instagram is probably 10% of who I am as a person. There's a lot that you don't know about me, so I'm asking you to please be mindful of any assumptions that you make if you don't personally know me. Honestly, I'm just an average Jane! Biasa jeee.

As a friend said to me once, "Tu la you, upload gambar lawa lawa lagi." Hahaha. Padan muka.

Peace out everybody, take care xxx

Things to remember

I've never been so big on New Year's resolutions. The only resolution that I remember ever having is to gain weight, and I've had the same one since I was probably 12. Hahaha. I may have had a few others over my school years like, "write notes everyday" and "don't procrastinate" and such, but here I am, 22 years of age, and I still procrastinate like a champ.

But this year, I thought of a few things that I would like to remember/change (not necessarily 'resolutions' per se) and just thought I'd share it on my blog, because why not. Maybe some people can relate too. I hope these won't sound too ridiculous or petty haha.

So, everyone, this is me, talking to me:

1. Something or someone can only get to you if you let them.

If something/someone upsets you, it's only because you're letting them upset you. I'm not saying that you shouldn't get angry/sad at all, because at the end of the day, you're only human. But if it's affecting you too much when there's nothing much/else you can do about it, then you're just wasting your energy on something that's not worthwhile. Do what you can to deal with it, but if nothing changes, move on. Don't let it bother you anymore. There are other things more worthy of your time, your energy, & your attention.

You get to decide: shall I let this thing/person affect me?

2. You choose what makes you happy.

My mum used to tell me that I'm very easily fascinated. I get so excited over little things. She never said that it was bad, but I have this weird thing whereby when someone points out something about my character, I take it as criticism and my first instinct is to fix it or change it. But after a while, I realised that being easily fascinated basically means that I'm just... happy more often. Which means I smile and laugh a lot more, and my heart feels joy a lot more. Nothing wrong about that, right?

The way I see it (now), you find your own happiness. You decide what can make you happy. Allow yourself to find beauty and amusement in the world around you, especially when so many bad things are happening around us nowadays. The world needs more positive energy!

3. Stop trying to be 'perfect'.

The thing that properly annoys me about studying psychology is when I start recognising some symptoms of disorders in myself. Once when I was doing my revision, there was a subtopic on neurotic personality. I was reading the signs of neuroticism aloud to myself and after a few signs I just sort of stopped talking because it was as if my textbook was describing me – "wants to be liked by everybody, 'must' get everything right, 'must' be good in everything they do," etc etc..... I'm not gonna tell you all of them 'cause it's quite embarrassing haha. After reading the section I made a mental conclusion: "Okay Tin, so someone who's neurotic is basically like you."

But when all is said and done, you can't really please everybody so no, not everyone is going to like you. You're human and humans make mistakes, so don't think that you 'must' get everything right. And you can do your best in everything that you do, but let's be real: you can't be good at absolutely everything. You can be the best version of yourself, but you can't be perfect.

Let it go.

4. Everything will be okay.

Take life one day at a time. Wherever you're headed, you will get there in due time, insyaAllah. You may not know yet how you'll overcome the obstacles to get to the end, but just have faith that you will. "Believe that you can and you're already halfway there."

5. Trust that God will always have your back.

Time and time again, I am always reminded that when I have God by my side, nothing is impossible. It's truly amazing how He continues to shower me with His Mercy no matter how many times I've turned away :( Alhamdulillah, for everything. I pray that He'll allow me to turn to Him more and more each day, praise Him more, rely on Him more, and learn to depend on Him and only Him, no matter what I'm facing. No request is too small or too big, I believe. And if something doesn't go according to my plans, it's certainly following God's plans. He Knows best after all. I need to keep that in mind and never doubt His plans for me.

6. Eat more veggies.

Ever since I came to London and started living on my own, I told myself that I had to start acting like an adult and make adult decisions – so I decided to start eating vegetables. Hahaha. But since I've been avoiding them most of my life, it's become a hard habit to break until now. Whenever I remember, I do make the effort to include some greens inside my cooking and I gotta say I'd feel pretty damn great afterwards. I would eat like, beberapa helai spinach and feel super proud of myself. This year, I want to open more doors and break more barriers!

Let's start with broccoli!

7. Shop less.

Actually, this has been a monthly resolution these past few years. It's 2016 now; looks like nothing much has changed. I think it's about time that I stop thinking with my heart and start thinking with my bank account. Nghhh.....

*returns shoes to Asos*

The Canadian girl

Hi blog, hi everyone, hi 2016.

I can't believe it's been almost a month since my last post. I admit that a lot has happened since then, but a month?! Crikey. It sure felt like a lot less than that. Anyway, I've been wanting to write a bit about what I was up to over my winter break. I had such a lovely break and I'm sad that it had to end, but sometimes I think the temporariness of things makes them all the more special, no?

Last December, right after I was done with my submissions, a good friend of mine came to London from Canada. I was super duper excited when she told me that she was visiting 'cause I hadn't seen her in like, a year and a half which is just ridiculous. I didn't get to see her last summer 'cause we got no jodoh; she only went back to KL after I'd flown back to London. The only contact we'd had was over text, and even then I'd usually forget to reply her at some point and would only get back to her after like two days and continue the convo as if nothing happened. I don't know how I became such a lazy texter hahaha but Amal still always makes the effort to text me about random stuff every now and then. She's incredible like that; always brings colours to everyone's lives. So anyway, Amal & I practically had been counting days till she arrived in Landan, occasionally texting each other "OMG giiiiirrrrrl!!! X days left! So excitedddd!" Totally lost our chill when she arrived outside my apartment building.

The top priority of her trip was, obviously, Malaysian food. What else could it be, right? Hahaha the girl's been deprived for too long so we took her to this mamak place in London that is the ultimate lifesaver for Malaysians in the UK, 'cause it's the only legit mamak restaurant that I know of here. I mean, they even tebar the roti canai and scribble your receipt on a piece of paper and everything.

The restaurant's called Roti King and it's located just outside Euston's tube station. It's a really small place though, and sometimes you'd find a queue outside it, like we did. If you haven't already gone there, you definitely should (why wouldn't you?!), but I'd recommend you to avoid the lunch hours. We had to wait for quite a bit and it sure worked up our appetites!

4 girls, 6 dishes. What'd I tell you hehe. Afterwards we went to walk around Carnaby Street and met up with Marissa & Azam there. It's sooo good to see these people la after so long. And London was pleasantly warm that day, which made it even better! I was only wearing a blazer and even then, it felt warm in some instances. The Canadian girl was just walking around in a t-shirt & a denim shirt tied around her waist, 'just in case' hahaha. Lovely day, lovely company – what more could I ask for! (N.B: don't answer that.)

What I looove about Oxford Street at that time of year are the Christmas decorations and window displays that they put up. So festive and just so so beautiful. The swarm of Christmas shoppers can get a bit too overwhelming though, so it's quite tricky to pick a nice time to go there without getting caught in the crowd. Buttt I had a great time anyway. Always is with these girls! <3

Winter break

I'm now officially done with Autumn teeerrrrmmmm!!!!!

Well technically my classes had ended last Friday but I still had two submissions this week (both on the same day God bless my soul) so I haven't left the apartment for exactly a week now. Except to go to the convenience store downstairs. Once.

I've basically been living in my pyjamas 24/7, with pimple gel on my face, doing my work in the exact same spot on the couch, which now proudly exhibits the impression of my butt. Clearly my life has been wild lately.

Alhamdulillah I've submitted the last of my assignments this afternoon and mannnnn it's so good to be free! SO. GOOD. It feels like it's been such a long term, but it's kind of weird when I think about it because I literally only had three classes per week this whole term, and they're all 2 hours each. That's nothing compared to other people's schedules! But I don't know, I guess all the coursework's taken its toll 'cause by the last week of term, I was just super exhausted and sooo ready for a break.

So glad and relieved that I can finally take a breather. Now I'm not actually sure whether I want to watch a movie, or put on a face mask and just relax, or read a good book, or start cleaning the house, or binge watch a TV show. Choices, choices!

One thing's for sure though, I'm definitely stepping out of the house tomorrow! Happy winter break everybody!