Always trying

*retrieves blog from top shelf*

*tiup habuk*

Hi blog, it's been a very very long time.

I don't know what's my excuse, really. Once in a while I do think about writing something on the blog but for some reason I always feel like it's nothing too interesting to share. Can't believe it's been more than a year since my last post. Yikes. I've done a looot of growing up since then – maybe even a bit too much than I'd liked. But ready or not, like it or not, life happens. And I just have to bulldoze my way through it. 

Anyway, just a quick fill-in since my last entry last year......

I graduated from university with a degree in Psychology. I was unemployed for 3 months and a bit, just because. But of course I started getting the "When are you going to look for a job?" questions from my parents hahaha so I applied for some (all different things because I was unsure where to go and what I wanted to spend my days doing) and went to a few job interviews without knowing exactly what to expect.

[I digress: I've always envied people who know exactly what they want to do in life. While I'm not entirely clueless (I know what I don't want to do, so there's a start... right?), I don't have that ONE thing that I had my sights on since school. So when I finally completed my formal education, I was faced with the frightening question that a lot of us know too well: What next? It was very daunting to think that I finally have to decide what I want to do with my life, so if you're in that situation right now, remember that you're not the only one who feels this way. Not everyone is lucky enough to have found their calling earlier in their life. Just remember that as long as you're trying, you'll be fine. InsyaAllah.]

I went to a few interviews and was rejected. Then I got my first job offer, but turned it down....

.... to accept an offer at my dream job.

It was a bit hush hush at first because I was so scared that I wouldn't get it, and I didn't want to get my hopes up too much.

Some people have asked me how I got hired and what the recruitment process was like. For those of you wondering, I went to 2 interviews. The first one was fairly standard; Min Jee, my current boss, asked me about the basics – about myself, my background, education, what skills I might have from my past experience in dealing with people, yada yada yada.

After that, she sent me a task via email. This was the hard part, to be honest. There were a few questions (I don't exactly remember what they were) and one of it was to write a press release. I had no idea what, how, and why, so I Googled it and read a few examples. I Facetimed my best friend Raihan while completing the task because I was so anxious so she was just accompanying me through it. I stayed up till the wee hours to perfect my answers. Effort!! I was very nervous about the whole thing because I really wanted to do well and get the job. A few days later (was it? I don't even remember) I got a call from Min Jee asking to come in for a second interview, but this time I had to prepare a presentation about dUCk. "Anything about dUCk, it doesn't matter. What is dUCk to you? It can be in slides, or a mood board. It's up to you."

Which brought me to the question: What on earth is a mood board?!? I was quite hopeless la really. With a bit of guidance from Najwa, I came up with this:

I even put a picture of myself in it because they asked me what I pictured dUCk could be in the future and it was my way of telling that I should be a part of it. Hahahaha #confident. (Thank God I was hired.) If you couldn't spot me in the mood board, here, let me help:

But yeah, that's basically it. After that my life has mostly been about work. Learning about 1000 new things, figuring things out along the way, trying to get my bearings on this thing called work. Trying to juggle work and personal life, trying to separate frustrations/exhaustion at the workplace from the home. Trying to do things right and trying to improve on whatever we get told off about.

It's really just one big game of Trying. If anyone ever thinks that I've got my stuff together, it's only because I never show when I break down and cry from work (yes, it's happened a few times!), or when things go awry.

Nevertheless, all in all I do love my job. Even now, 10 months later, sometimes I still find myself taking it all in and trying to digest the fact that I'm working with a brand that I love. How lucky am I?

So much has happened in the span of a year, especially work-wise, but for some reason I just didn't think anything would be interesting enough to share. I'd received a few messages from strangers asking me when I would update my blog which surprised me because I didn't think anyone would care if I abandoned this space, haha. I'd be lying if I said I don't miss writing at all. Sometimes it's so tempting to rant here, particularly when Instagram seems too public and 140 characters on Twitter isn't enough.

Perhaps it would be great to come back to blogging. Can't promise that I'll blog regularly, but well.... I'll try.

Super belated wedding post

As proof that I am a horrible horrible blogger, I just found an incomplete blogpost from months ago; but (if I may toot my own horn) it was quite a nice story so I'm just going to shamelessly finish it off and publish it on the blog.

Just pretend that you're reading this in January okay. Hehe.

____________________________________________________________________________


A few weeks ago, one of my relatives made my day (actually, my entire weekend) with a very simple text. It said:

"I've got my man now, insyaAllah, but I need my girls too. Will you be my bridesmaid?"

Up until now, I've had cousins who'd gotten married and I was of course involved in the whole preparation running up to the weddings themselves, but I've never really been a proper bridesmaid before. And none of my close friends are getting married yet, so technically my application to be their dulang girl is still pending (indefinitely). So you can probably tell how thrilled I am about my first official bridesmaid duty. Matching dresses and everything! Suuuuuper stoked!!

I love love love family weddings, albeit all the chaos and stress that come with them. The prep usually drives me mad but after everything's over, I'm always left feeling so satisfied and content and sooo full of love and gratitude for my family. Family time is always a good time, so I'm very very excited for this coming wedding.

Anyway, speaking of weddings!

This brings me to my other winter break activity that I was gonna write about. I went back to KL for a short while in December for my cousin's wedding. The wedding took up one whole weekend – there were 5 events altogether. Friday afternoon was the nikah, Friday night was the Henna Night, Saturday afternoon was the reception on the bride's side, Saturday night we had a maulid at my uncle's house, and, finally, the groom's reception (our side) on Sunday afternoon.

I didn't attend the nikah nor the bride's reception, but there were still wedding stuff that I had to help with during those times. Just listing them down is bringing back the exhaustion of that weekend!

Ladies' Night

On Friday night, we had the Henna Night (aka Ladies' Night) at a hotel in KL. It's pretty weird to call it that because in the Malay culture, Henna Night (i.e. malam berinai) literally means drawing henna on the bride's hands, but in Arab culture, it has nothing to do with henna at all. So I'm really not sure how it got the name, haha. Basically the ladies dress up in fancy outfits and get together to celebrate the bride, so it's more like a bachelorette party. My girl cousins, Najwa, and I got ready at the hotel in the evening. Helped each other with hair and makeup and it was so so much fuuunnn, because we rarely get to do this together! It was chaotic of course, since we easily outnumbered the jamban and the mirrors in the room. I ended up doing my makeup in the friggin' bathtub k guys hahaha because the wall by the tub was covered by a huge mirror (thank God for that!). A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. #dedication

Since it was an all-ladies event, we weren't allowed to use our phones and cameras in the hall to protect everyone's privacy. This way nobody would feel unsafe or uncomfortable to 'uncover' themselves and have a good time. So sadly, we don't have any nice pictures of our outfits from that night! No squad pictures with the cousins either :(((

I'll just put a couple of pictures of what I wore that night:

The hooded robe that I wore over my 'party outfit'

We had a fantastic night though! There were some performances and of course there was food, and my goodness, was there dancing! It was such great fun to see little girls as young as 3 years old jumping along to the music, but even more so to dance with our aunts! To be honest that was really why we don't have any pictures – everyone was so busy dancing, nobody even remembered about taking pictures.

That night I also added a new milestone in my life: I danced the night away in 5-inch heels!! (They were the very same heels that I once tripped in, and then fell smack on my butt in front of a bunch of strangers. So yes, big achievement! I gotta update my CV.)

The Day After

After our long night of glamour and fun, our Saturday was anything but. I got up super early in the morning, got ready and packed my stuff. Once Najwa and my cousins were all set too, we checked out of our rooms and went home to send our overnight bags and have breakfast. Soon after, I had to drive straight to Putrajaya with Najwa and Maryam to help out with wedding errands. By that time we were all still pretty dead from the night before hahaha.

The heat was unbearable that day, which did little to help, but the sky was a brilliant blue and my heart swelled for the city that I call my first home.

It was a super duper long day but it was alright because we got kambing panggang and roti jala that night after the maulid. Big win.

The Reception

The last event of the weekend and the most tiring event ever. Ever!!! The reception was held at my uncle's house and we were expecting more than 1000 guests. I'm not kidding. When I found out about the size of the guest list, I thought my cousin had been joking. So gila!

People started coming at 11am. Masa tu makeup semua masih on point tapi masa tu jugak la matahari nak naik and cairkan segala usaha keras kita. And while the makeup was melting off our faces, us cousins were all busy being handed our tasks for the day.

This part is very, very important. Pro tip: when working at a wedding, get one solid task that you'll have to stick with for the rest of the day. It might be boring, but at least it's something. This is where I'd gone wrong. I didn't have a solid duty for the day and I ended up doing errands and getting tasks from left right and center! The best task I got that day was when I was almost melting off the face of the earth and my cousin suddenly pulled me aside and asked me to guard the wedding cake in a car that had the aircond on full blast.

My cousins and I were moving around so much at the wedding that, again, we didn't have that many pictures of us together which was quite a bummer. My cousin (sister of the groom) has a company for event planning now and she was the one who set up the tent and pelamin and everything. It's not the best idea to plan your own brother's wedding though... She didn't sleep for a whole week and when we arrived at her house that Sunday morning, she was still in her pyjamas setting things up. So gila (part 2). But she did a great job 'cause everything looked so cantik.













Actually, when the reception was going on, I barely saw my cousins because we were all attending to our own crises. Najwa had to deal with kids at the candy station (imagine the horror). Syira had to deal with the caterers while also greeting the guests. Paah and I were just running around doing miscellaneous tasks and getting pulled in every direction for favours. My other girl cousins were nowhere to be found so I'm pretty sure they were facing the same thing. At one point I got so fed up that I went up to my parents in exasperation and said, "UGHHH I DON'T WANT TO GET MARRIED."

But later in the evening when the guests have all gone back, the family gathered together under the tent and watched the guys dance the samrah (not even sure if this is the correct phrase).





I wanted to convert the videos to gifs but it wouldn't work. Sucks because it was pretty cool actually. It was so meriah but chill at the same time and I could tell that everyone was enjoying themselves. They danced for about 2 hours 'kay!! That's like a few days' worth of cardio!

And then it was back to cleaning up the scene of the crime.... That's the downside of getting married at home kan? You have to clean the house and settle the preparations, you are the host, and then after smiling and talking to 1000 guests, you clean up (you = family of the pengantin). By the end of it all we basically wanted to pengsan for 2 days.



Man, weddings sure are
e x h a u s t i n g.

There's no denying that we all had a great time, but if you ask any of us singles about where we'll want to get married, we'll all tell you the same thing:

"I don't know, anywhere but home."

My golden card

I always tell myself, you can't compare your difficulties to another person's. Everyone faces different struggles in life.

Some people have more serious problems than others, but kita kena ingat that none of these goes unnoticed by God. Every hardship that you face with faith and patience will surely earn you credit in God's eyes. The bigger the hardship, the bigger the reward.

Such is life; we were all dealt with different sets of cards. But I personally believe that everyone will have at least one golden card in their deck: something to be thankful for.

Almost every night before I go to sleep, I try to count my blessings but I always don't know where to start. It's really humbling to realise that you've been blessed in so many ways that you don't know which one to give thanks for first.

The roof above my head?

The warm bed to sleep in?

My health?

My education?

My tummy that's always hungry but also always kenyang?

It's impossible to cover everything every time so my list always changes from one night to another. But the one thing that remains a constant in all of my lists, is my family.

As I grow up and meet more people in my life (and hear more stories and watch more movies), I begin to realise that having a good family is not a right – it's a privilege. You don't get to pick what kind of family you're born into. Nobody chose to be born into a bad nor a good family. A rich or a poor family. A big or a small family. It's something that's given to you.

I always find myself wondering what is it that I did, and what I will ever do, to deserve such a blessing in this department. I mean I do fight and argue with my family members and we do give each other headaches more times than we'd like, but alhamdulillah after all the bites and scratches, the flying kicks and hair-pulling, we still love each other very very much* hahaha.

(*terms and conditions apply)

I'm also very close to my cousins on both of my parents' sides. My mum's side is quite small and we've always lived close to each other, so we're very close-knit. We gather at my grandparents' place on Fridays and the neighbours always say that it sounds like Raya on Friday nights because it's so meriah. Hahaha. We don't even do anything special; it's just dinner, TV, and we talk talk talk. And shout at the kids when they cause so much ruckus after 10pm.

My dad's side, on the other hand... we're a huge family. But even then, we practically grew up together although some of us live in different states. Because I don't get to see my paternal cousins as much as I do my maternal cousins, it's always a treat when we do see them.

I always look forward to family gatherings, even if it's just over breakfast at our family's favourite nasi lemak place. Family events are a big thing for me. Really. I've cried several times for missing out on gatherings hahaha. Crybaby™.

I used to take it for granted that it's a normal thing to be very close to one's cousins, but the more stories I hear from friends, the more I realise that it's not always the case. Some people don't really talk to their cousins and some don't even know them that well. I've had people tell me that it's so nice how close I am to mine, especially considering how many of us there is. Some people even think we're siblings because we're so close. It's usually comments like these that make me realise that this is more than just a norm.

I've learnt that not everyone has a good relationship with their (extended) families, not everyone gets love and support from their families, and not everyone looks forward to family gatherings. So if you do, let's not take it for granted.

We were all dealt with different sets of cards in life. We are tested in different ways, and we are also blessed in different ways.

As humans, we tend to focus more on the negatives and overlook the positives, so let's try to shift the focus for a change.

One of the golden cards in my deck is my family... What's yours?

Mindless doodles

I can't sleep. It's past 3am and I know I should go to bed if I want to overcome this jetlag – I'm back in KL! –, but an idea popped into my head just now and I got so restless that I just refused to sleep. I needed to write it down somewhere, but unfortunately I'd left all of my nice notebooks in London! Drat. (That's one thing about me: I love love love myself a nice notebook but I always feel too 'sayang' to use it. So I end up just keeping it in a drawer until I find a worthy use for it; and by now I have a small collection of cute notebooks.)

So anyway, I feel like this idea deserves a very pretty, well-bound notebook. I thought I'd kept at least one nice notebook tucked away somewhere in the study room or my bedroom, but non. Shamefully. I really hope this idea will stay put in my mind until I find a proper notebook for it, because an A4 paper just will not do.

But I'm writing this post because my search just now was not a complete failure. During my rather ill-timed quest following an inconveniently-timed epiphany (sahur is less than 2 hours from now and I have a long journey back to my kampung in the morning), I came across my very old notebooks that I had during high school. They were all full of notes for exams, or numbered lists of my thoughts, but most of the pages contained doodles.

My friends and I used to love doodling sooo much back then. I could doodle at any time about anything. Some were snippets of conversations, some were song lyrics, some were famous quotes, and some were just random words that popped into my head. I didn't really care what it was, I just had to write. I always had a pen in my hand in school; sometimes I sit through a class just doodling what the teacher is saying.

It's interesting to read the scribbles again and be taken back to my school days. I even found some conversations that I had with my friends on paper, about basic and stupid things. Such carefree times! Just thought maybe it'd be nice to share some of my doodles here on the blog:

I hope I won't regret putting these up! Hahaha just keep in mind that whatever you see are very mindless thoughts of some 16-year-old girls and they would most probably seem very out-of-context!

I also found some heartfelt entries here and there, which made me realise how much I loved writing. I guess I was pretty good at it, too. I was easily very honest about my feelings, and reading those entries makes me feel like I was much braver back then. I wrote what I wanted to; my entries conveyed what I'd felt at the time.

I used to blog a lot more too, but I don't know, somewhere along the way something made me feel like I was being too transparent; like I was showing people how vulnerable I was. So I stopped writing for a while and deleted my blog and became more cautious about what I reveal, especially when it comes to my feelings. I think I've become quite... emotionally constipated nowadays. Hahaha.

I also find it harder to pen down my thoughts properly now which explains the lack of blogposts! (Not that anyone cares...) I swear I have so many incomplete posts which have been left hanging. Let's hope my 2009 writing mojo comes back to me soon!

Anyway, take care guys and I hope it's not too late to wish you a Ramadhan kareem xx

Never say never

Orang kata, "never say never". Why? Because you might end up (voluntarily) stepping into the very hole that you swore you'll never fall into.

Take me, for instance. For the longest time, I vowed that I would never ever delve into this one thing that I have recently signed up for...... and that 'thing', ladies and gentlemen, is the Korean world of entertainment.

One thing to note here is that I have managed to evade this blackhole (as Nadia calls it) for many many years. Sometime back in high school, my cousin was completely hooked to everything Korean – music, dramas, food, you name it. Come to think of it, I don't even know what got her started! It was really weird, she started eating vegetables because of the Korean world. She would even battle for the remote control so that she could watch the news on the Korean channel on Astro. She watched Korean news guys!!! Gila. Berita Malaysia tak pernah pulak tengok. Hahaha ntah pape. But aside from watching Korean news in the living room, as far as I knew, she did everything else by herself. Cried over dramas alone, fangirled over singers/actors alone. She once went to a K-Pop concert alone. Pure dedication right there. But for some reason, I wasn't at all curious about it. I just knew that I had a psychotic cousin and that was that.

Then there were my classmates. Oh gosh. In Secondary 5, I was in an all-girls class. I have no idea who started it, but at one point, almost all of the girls were passing around a DVD of Boys Over Flowers. They took turns watching it and would talk about it in class every single day. I swear I felt like I was unwillingly stuck in a K-drama society! The only name I knew was Gu Jun Pyo. Taaak habis-habis. But even then, I never got in on the hype. I was quite proud of myself actually hahaha.

I don't remember anyone else in my life who was Korean-crazy but after school, I was pretty much rimas with all of it. It might have been the hype on Twitter or something that made me just so annoyed with all things Korean. I decided that I don't want to watch or listen to anything Korean. I know it sounds arrogant, but I felt like it was all too... in-my-face. I hated it.

Then I entered college. It was my first boarding experience, so I was really nervous about getting roommates (aka chaletmates in KY terms). I remember on my first day, when I was setting up my room, I said to my parents: "I really hope none of my chaletmates are K-pop fans!"

...... The moment I said that, one of my chaletmates walked out of her room with a huge grin on her face and a giant poster of a K-pop band (Big Bang? 2PM? Lord knows) in her hands. Hahahaha. And that was how I met Shaza, the most hardcore fan that I have ever personally known – she lived and breathed Korean, it was crazy! It was everything I could not comprehend. The whole time I lived with her, I thought, how on earth could someone be super dedicated to the Korean world?! She knew all the songs and I still remember how she would laugh like a pontianak whenever she watches Running Man and scare the heck out of the rest of us. One of my greatest achievements so far was getting Shaza to start watching How I Met Your Mother. Hahaha I'm telling you, it seriously toned down her obsession to a much safer level. Even so, living with a K-pop maniac for 2 years never piqued my curiosity.

Fast forward to the present year. So a few months back, Rahimah slept over and she wanted to watch the latest episode of Running Man (which was another thing that I really could not understand, because people kept laughing at things that I didn't find funny). I was curious about why people loved the show so much so I sat down with her and asked her to explain it to me. Then I slowly started to get it. I slowly managed to remember the names of the members, and then distinguish their faces, and then match the names to the right faces. Then I got to know each of their characters. Then I was hooked because of how much it made me laugh. Then suddenly.... it was all I wanted to watch. The horror.

It always starts with Running Man, doesn't it? Aiya.

So here I am now, somewhat able to remember Korean names and Korean faces, having crushes on some Korean celebrities. Also have some favourite Korean words already. Also starting to be acquainted with the wonders of Korean skincare. Also kind of thinking about planning a visit to Seoul to get a lifetime supply of their skincare products. Also have watched my first ever Korean drama (!!!).

*kibar bendera putih*

I have finally succumbed. My 17-year-old self would be ashamed. #noragrets

Kan orang dah kata, never say never.

Tears in the kitchen

Today as I was peeling anchovies while preparing to cook for dinner, suddenly something my uncle said a few years ago popped into my head. "Hati-hati okay makan nasi goreng? Ada tulang ikan bilis sikit dalam tu. Nenek dah tua, dia tak buang tulang betul-betul. Sorry eh?"

And just like that, I was sat at the dining table with a sudden ache in my heart, tears in my eyes, and anchovies in my hands. It's funny, how something so simple and small can conjure up a memory of what had seemed like an insignificant moment on an ordinary day.

It wasn't the first time this happened. There'd been a few times when I'd be cooking and suddenly be reminded of my late grandmother, and I'd miss her so much. Like, it would actually physically hurt. One time, the memory of her came so suddenly that it caught me off guard and I burst into tears as I was adding salt into the pot. (Don't worry, the lauk didn't turn out extra masin and my tears didn't end up in the food either.)

The kitchen just generally reminds me of her, and I don't mean it as an insult in any way. My late grandmother was an amazing cook. I know this for a fact, not only because I'm her granddaughter and I'm super biased, but also because she used to be a cook in a palace back in the days.

When it comes to cooking, she was in a league of her own. My mum told me once that Nenek could just look at the steam rising up from a pot and instantly tell if the lauk had enough salt. I've been trying to work out the science behind this by observing steam (and looking like an idiot while at it), but I still can't see the difference. I mean, steam is steam. What exactly do I look for?

My Nenek was that good, guys. God knows how many other tricks she had up her sleeve. She got mad skillz in the kitchen. That's right, skillz with a 'z'. Cucunya?

... Takpa la, takyah cerita. Tak tahu apa jadi.

I used to be so nervous at the thought of cooking for my grandmother. Just the mere thought of it was nerve-wracking enough, so I couldn't ever imagine having her actually taste the food that I cook. Now, she never will.

I know that my heart has space for a lot of things and a lot of people. But I feel like tonight, my heart only has room for her, and it's missing her terribly. If only she knew.

Hidung sumbat

Hi guys, I hope everyone's been great and well, wherever you are.

The weather in England has been really weird lately (actually, come to think of it, when is it ever not weird). It was getting quite warm at one point, warm enough to make me think that spring's finally here, and suddenly the weather decided to take a turn and it got really cold again. And not just cold, really windy too! I'm already so tired of cold wind blowing in my face. Even more tired of not being able to walk in a straight line. I'm late for class as it is! Can the wind please stop blowing me sideways!!! Or backwards!!!

I've been living in London for 3 years now and the fickleness of the weather here is still too much for me sometimes. The weather's been so bad lately, and I've got a fever to top it all off. Generally, it's not very easy for me to fall sick. Alhamdulillah it's been like that since I was much younger; even when everyone around me was getting sick, I would always be the last one standing. Earlier last week, Najwa got a fever and she was bedridden for a few days. About two days later I was coughing and my throat was starting to get sore. I thought it'd go away the day after, as it usually does, but things only went downhill afterwards.

We were both bedridden over the weekend, poppin' pills like M&M's and wearing Kool Aid on our foreheads, which, btw, does not help you look cool at all. I hadn't been that sick and weak in sooo long so it was quite a shock to the system. I was a complete vegetable! My fever was ridiculously high, I was coughing myself awake in the nights, and I was sneezing so much my nose was gonna tercampak somewhere.

Alhamdulillah both Najwa and I are feeling much better now though, we're both walking about again (around the apartment). But we're both still coughing like mad, and my nose is completely blocked. It's a weird kind of blocked right now 'cause I can breathe through my nose perfectly but I can't taste my food at all. I haven't been able to taste my food for about 4 days now. I made Maggi the other day and I couldn't even smell the curry goodness! Criiieeeessss.

This is probably a good time as any to eat as many vegetables as I don't like, since I can't taste it anyway. But then..... why eat vegetables when you're already one, right. #distortedthinking

I really just can't wait for warmer weather!!! The winter sun's been great whenever it does show up, but let's face it, it gives out very little warmth!

Anyway, take care everyone. Stay safe, warm, healthy, and hydrated xxx

What my Instagram doesn't tell you

You have no idea how many incomplete drafts I currently have on my blog. For the past week I'd been meaning to blog about a few things but I never got round to finishing the posts. Eheh, sorray. I hope I'll get the chance to finish them soon enough, but for now there's this one liiittle thing that I want to talk about.

Actually this matter has been niggling at the back of my mind for quite a while now because of the things that I've been hearing from some people. To be honest, I'm a bit uncomfortable and insecure about this topic so it's rather awkward to be talking about it on such a public platform. But I just want to get this off my chest and clarify some things for my own sake, so please bear with me.

I'm not gonna beat around the bush: it's about my Instagram and the impressions that people get from it. (This is harder than I thought it would be; it's actually painful to type out these words.) I know I shouldn't care so much about what other people think of me, but..... I can't help it la. It does bother me to a certain extent; and though I know that I can't please everyone, I don't want people to get the wrong impression of me. (N.B. Neuroticism 101)

Some people scroll through my Instagram feed and come up with all sorts of conclusion about me and my life. The most popular one being that I'm (ughhh, here it comes, drum rolls please).... high maintenance. Okay fine, to some degree, I admit that I am. It literally took me years to come to terms with this about myself, so don't poke me. But!!! If you don't know me personally, trust me when I say that I'm not as bad as you think I am. 

And some people get the idea that I'm always properly dressed or that I have so many clothes to wear that I rarely wear the same thing more than once. Nooooooo. There's an art to this! I mix and match my clothes with different pants and scarves all the time so that they make up different outfits. Either that, or I simply don't post a picture of myself wearing the same outfit on a different day. Please la percaya, I'll give you lollipop. In real life, I'm actually biasa je, honestly. How I portray myself on Instagram is just one side of me. And I have like, 30 different versions of myself, maybe even more haha. So please don't make rash judgments about me from the pictures I post on the site.

Some people treat Instagram like a diary. They post about day-to-day stuff, so you know where they go and what they're up to on a typical day. And that's totally fine. I'm not criticising them or anything, I actually enjoy the way their pictures would tell a story. But here's the thing: I don't do that. 

I choose what I want to show people on my Instagram. I choose the angles, the filters, the lighting. I choose the pictures in which I look good. I only post pictures of events when I'm nicely dressed, my face is made up, and my scarf looks neat. That's hardly surprising. I choose to post pictures of my outfits only when I actually make an effort to dress up – which is not that often! I choose to show the good moments – and even then, not all of them. Only some. Bottomline is, you only see really small snippets of my life; all handpicked, all filtered, all carefully curated.

To put it quite bluntly, my Instagram shows the polished version of my life – the nice clothes I wear (at least I think they're nice anyway), the beautiful places I visit, the delicious food I eat –, but it doesn't tell you a lot of things.

It doesn't tell you that I always just stay in with pimple cream on my face. It doesn't tell you that I'd much rather go to a warung or mamak to eat, rather than fancy places (I mean, it is fun to go to fancy places once in a while, but when it comes down to it, it's the warung's and mamak's that I miss the most when I'm in London). It doesn't show you how selekeh I look like 90% of the time. It doesn't tell you that I am the laziest dresser when it comes to uni. It doesn't show you how I act/behave around the people I'm comfortable with. And it certainly doesn't tell you how petite I actually am in real life – people always terkejut when they see me in person because I look so tall in pictures. (I wanted to state my actual height but that would take the fun out of things.) If there's a few things that my Instagram feed does tell you about me, it might be: (a) my taste, (b) how I view the world, and (c) how weird I am.

You're probably wondering about the last point. At the expense of you judging me, let me try to explain.

You see, I'm very attentive to the aesthetics and appearance of my Instagram layout. Basically the colours in all of the pictures need to go well with each other. If the colours clash, I'll delete one of the pictures. If a picture makes my feed look dark, it has to go. I've deleted pictures with friends a few times and some of them got so annoyed that their picture's suddenly gone, hahaha. I don't know why it bothers me so much. It's stupid, but it kind of gives me peace of mind. I'm just... weird that way. So, kesimpulannya, my Instagram looks good not because my life is 'perfect' or anything, it only looks good because I'm obsessive. There really is nothing else to it. Hahaha capisce?

I admit that it's partly my fault. I should've known that people would misinterpret what I portray as 'my life', because I've been in that position where I made assumptions about others' lives, too. I never intended to deceive or mislead people by any means. Bukannya nak tunjuk that my life is better than yours or whatever. I'm sorry if it ever came off that way, but I promise you, that's never my intention. I share what I want to share, maybe even spread some good and happy vibes to others while I'm at it. I just didn't realise that it would give people the wrong impression.

What you see on my Instagram is probably 10% of who I am as a person. There's a lot that you don't know about me, so I'm asking you to please be mindful of any assumptions that you make if you don't personally know me. Honestly, I'm just an average Jane! Biasa jeee.

As a friend said to me once, "Tu la you, upload gambar lawa lawa lagi." Hahaha. Padan muka.

Peace out everybody, take care xxx

Things to remember

I've never been so big on New Year's resolutions. The only resolution that I remember ever having is to gain weight, and I've had the same one since I was probably 12. Hahaha. I may have had a few others over my school years like, "write notes everyday" and "don't procrastinate" and such, but here I am, 22 years of age, and I still procrastinate like a champ.

But this year, I thought of a few things that I would like to remember/change (not necessarily 'resolutions' per se) and just thought I'd share it on my blog, because why not. Maybe some people can relate too. I hope these won't sound too ridiculous or petty haha.

So, everyone, this is me, talking to me:

1. Something or someone can only get to you if you let them.

If something/someone upsets you, it's only because you're letting them upset you. I'm not saying that you shouldn't get angry/sad at all, because at the end of the day, you're only human. But if it's affecting you too much when there's nothing much/else you can do about it, then you're just wasting your energy on something that's not worthwhile. Do what you can to deal with it, but if nothing changes, move on. Don't let it bother you anymore. There are other things more worthy of your time, your energy, & your attention.

You get to decide: shall I let this thing/person affect me?

2. You choose what makes you happy.

My mum used to tell me that I'm very easily fascinated. I get so excited over little things. She never said that it was bad, but I have this weird thing whereby when someone points out something about my character, I take it as criticism and my first instinct is to fix it or change it. But after a while, I realised that being easily fascinated basically means that I'm just... happy more often. Which means I smile and laugh a lot more, and my heart feels joy a lot more. Nothing wrong about that, right?

The way I see it (now), you find your own happiness. You decide what can make you happy. Allow yourself to find beauty and amusement in the world around you, especially when so many bad things are happening around us nowadays. The world needs more positive energy!

3. Stop trying to be 'perfect'.

The thing that properly annoys me about studying psychology is when I start recognising some symptoms of disorders in myself. Once when I was doing my revision, there was a subtopic on neurotic personality. I was reading the signs of neuroticism aloud to myself and after a few signs I just sort of stopped talking because it was as if my textbook was describing me – "wants to be liked by everybody, 'must' get everything right, 'must' be good in everything they do," etc etc..... I'm not gonna tell you all of them 'cause it's quite embarrassing haha. After reading the section I made a mental conclusion: "Okay Tin, so someone who's neurotic is basically like you."

But when all is said and done, you can't really please everybody so no, not everyone is going to like you. You're human and humans make mistakes, so don't think that you 'must' get everything right. And you can do your best in everything that you do, but let's be real: you can't be good at absolutely everything. You can be the best version of yourself, but you can't be perfect.

Let it go.

4. Everything will be okay.

Take life one day at a time. Wherever you're headed, you will get there in due time, insyaAllah. You may not know yet how you'll overcome the obstacles to get to the end, but just have faith that you will. "Believe that you can and you're already halfway there."

5. Trust that God will always have your back.

Time and time again, I am always reminded that when I have God by my side, nothing is impossible. It's truly amazing how He continues to shower me with His Mercy no matter how many times I've turned away :( Alhamdulillah, for everything. I pray that He'll allow me to turn to Him more and more each day, praise Him more, rely on Him more, and learn to depend on Him and only Him, no matter what I'm facing. No request is too small or too big, I believe. And if something doesn't go according to my plans, it's certainly following God's plans. He Knows best after all. I need to keep that in mind and never doubt His plans for me.

6. Eat more veggies.

Ever since I came to London and started living on my own, I told myself that I had to start acting like an adult and make adult decisions – so I decided to start eating vegetables. Hahaha. But since I've been avoiding them most of my life, it's become a hard habit to break until now. Whenever I remember, I do make the effort to include some greens inside my cooking and I gotta say I'd feel pretty damn great afterwards. I would eat like, beberapa helai spinach and feel super proud of myself. This year, I want to open more doors and break more barriers!

Let's start with broccoli!

7. Shop less.

Actually, this has been a monthly resolution these past few years. It's 2016 now; looks like nothing much has changed. I think it's about time that I stop thinking with my heart and start thinking with my bank account. Nghhh.....

*returns shoes to Asos*

The Canadian girl

Hi blog, hi everyone, hi 2016.

I can't believe it's been almost a month since my last post. I admit that a lot has happened since then, but a month?! Crikey. It sure felt like a lot less than that. Anyway, I've been wanting to write a bit about what I was up to over my winter break. I had such a lovely break and I'm sad that it had to end, but sometimes I think the temporariness of things makes them all the more special, no?

Last December, right after I was done with my submissions, a good friend of mine came to London from Canada. I was super duper excited when she told me that she was visiting 'cause I hadn't seen her in like, a year and a half which is just ridiculous. I didn't get to see her last summer 'cause we got no jodoh; she only went back to KL after I'd flown back to London. The only contact we'd had was over text, and even then I'd usually forget to reply her at some point and would only get back to her after like two days and continue the convo as if nothing happened. I don't know how I became such a lazy texter hahaha but Amal still always makes the effort to text me about random stuff every now and then. She's incredible like that; always brings colours to everyone's lives. So anyway, Amal & I practically had been counting days till she arrived in Landan, occasionally texting each other "OMG giiiiirrrrrl!!! X days left! So excitedddd!" Totally lost our chill when she arrived outside my apartment building.

The top priority of her trip was, obviously, Malaysian food. What else could it be, right? Hahaha the girl's been deprived for too long so we took her to this mamak place in London that is the ultimate lifesaver for Malaysians in the UK, 'cause it's the only legit mamak restaurant that I know of here. I mean, they even tebar the roti canai and scribble your receipt on a piece of paper and everything.

The restaurant's called Roti King and it's located just outside Euston's tube station. It's a really small place though, and sometimes you'd find a queue outside it, like we did. If you haven't already gone there, you definitely should (why wouldn't you?!), but I'd recommend you to avoid the lunch hours. We had to wait for quite a bit and it sure worked up our appetites!

4 girls, 6 dishes. What'd I tell you hehe. Afterwards we went to walk around Carnaby Street and met up with Marissa & Azam there. It's sooo good to see these people la after so long. And London was pleasantly warm that day, which made it even better! I was only wearing a blazer and even then, it felt warm in some instances. The Canadian girl was just walking around in a t-shirt & a denim shirt tied around her waist, 'just in case' hahaha. Lovely day, lovely company – what more could I ask for! (N.B: don't answer that.)

What I looove about Oxford Street at that time of year are the Christmas decorations and window displays that they put up. So festive and just so so beautiful. The swarm of Christmas shoppers can get a bit too overwhelming though, so it's quite tricky to pick a nice time to go there without getting caught in the crowd. Buttt I had a great time anyway. Always is with these girls! <3

Winter break

I'm now officially done with Autumn teeerrrrmmmm!!!!!

Well technically my classes had ended last Friday but I still had two submissions this week (both on the same day God bless my soul) so I haven't left the apartment for exactly a week now. Except to go to the convenience store downstairs. Once.

I've basically been living in my pyjamas 24/7, with pimple gel on my face, doing my work in the exact same spot on the couch, which now proudly exhibits the impression of my butt. Clearly my life has been wild lately.

Alhamdulillah I've submitted the last of my assignments this afternoon and mannnnn it's so good to be free! SO. GOOD. It feels like it's been such a long term, but it's kind of weird when I think about it because I literally only had three classes per week this whole term, and they're all 2 hours each. That's nothing compared to other people's schedules! But I don't know, I guess all the coursework's taken its toll 'cause by the last week of term, I was just super exhausted and sooo ready for a break.

So glad and relieved that I can finally take a breather. Now I'm not actually sure whether I want to watch a movie, or put on a face mask and just relax, or read a good book, or start cleaning the house, or binge watch a TV show. Choices, choices!

One thing's for sure though, I'm definitely stepping out of the house tomorrow! Happy winter break everybody!

About Time: Spoiler alert

Okay, first things first. I hate spoilers and I hate people who give spoilers. I find it extremely selfish and rude when someone watches a new movie or TV show episode and tweets about what happens, because it is hands down annoying and completely ruins it for other people.

So I have to give you a little heads up before you read on: I'm going to talk about About Time. If you haven't seen the movie and are planning to, I suggest you skip this post as it may contain some spoilers.

Don't say I didn't, say I didn't warn ya.

So I finally watched About Time last night. So 2013. I didn't watch it before this because I'd heard mixed reviews about the movie. Some people said it was good, some said it was slow and boring. All I knew was that it had something to do with time travel and I automatically assumed that it was similar to The Time Traveler's Wife so I didn't really bother.

But I loved it. I love the Britishness about it, I love that they didn't use a bunch of famous actors aside from Rachel McAdams, I love how the wedding scene wasn't perfect and was in fact interrupted by a storm. I love the humour. I love how Tim's father told him to live his life in two stages: One, to live through every day like every normal person would; and two, to go back and experience the day again the exact same way but this time, to take notice of the little things around him. And I love the message that it conveyed. Needless to say, I bawled my eyes out towards the end of the movie.

I don't know, maybe I'm just being over-appreciative of the small details, but that's basically how I see it. Perhaps some people interpret the movie differently, and that's probably why they find it just... biasa. But of course, to each their own. This one is very much just up my alley. I like it.

With some movies, I'd usually find what went wrong in the storyline or pick on the technicalities. I know it's annoying, but I get so peeved when the details in movies are so obviously inconsistent. But with this one, I won't even try. I don't want to ruin it for myself.

If you don't already know this about me, I'm somewhat a hopeless romantic (pls don't ew me). I love romantic comedies and I love stumbling upon a good one unexpectedly. Some romcoms are just... sappy. And not in a good way. But it's safe to say that About Time is now one of my favourites.

Here's a quote I rather fancy from the movie to end this ((rather pointless)) post:

And in the end I think I've learned the final lesson from my travels in time; and I've even gone one step further than my father did: The truth is I now don't travel back at all, not even for the day, I just try to live every day as if I've deliberately come back to this one day, to enjoy it, as if it was the full final day of my extraordinary, ordinary life.

Those Myspace days

Felt like writing something tonight but I couldn't decide what to write about, so I decided to answer a survey. I used to love answering surveys back when I was on Myspace, and I loved reading other people's answers too. Just a silly thing to do, but I figured it might be nice to find this again one day and remember what I was doing/feeling at this very moment.

Have a nice read and, if you decide to not read it, have a nice day! xx

_________________________________________________________________________________

Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4.

".... of marriage, motherhood, responsibility... reality." (If You Could See Me Now, by Cecelia Ahern)

Stretch your left arm out as far as you can, What can you touch?

A cushion.

Before you started this survey, what were you doing?

Checking Adele's 2016 tour dates for London! Really really hoping that I'll get ticketssssss.

What is the last thing you watched on TV?

That 70's Show.

When did you last step outside? What were you doing?

Just now, at noon. I was heading to uni for my Health Psychology lecture.

Do you remember your dreams?

I do, sometimes. And my dreams are super weird, especially when I'm stressed out. Basically the more stressed I am, the weirder my dreams get.

What is on the walls of the room you are in?

Framed photos of my family, prints on canvas, and two clocks – one for UK, the other for Malaysia :)

Seen anything weird lately?

Yeah I just saw my friends over the weekend.

What is the last film you saw?

Hmm I can't really remember. I've only been watching TV shows recently (Hell's Kitchen or That 70's Show or X Factor). It might have been Inside Out.

If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?

KL or London, hands down. My top 2 favourite cities in the world.

If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?

Omg so many things. But first off I would probably buy my dad a classic car and for my mum, John Lewis. Yes, the department store.

Tell me something about you that most people don't know.

I make a lot of lame jokes. I'm quite surprised that some of my friends are just learning this about me. Still funny though.

If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?

Put more love in it. This world is just so full of hate now and I think, when it comes down to it, that's what's causing all the horrible things around us.

Do you like to dance?

Yes but I can't dance to save my life. Cries.

Would you ever consider living abroad?

I already am :)

Does your name make any interesting anagrams?

Yeah, it can spell 'Faint'... Not so interesting though.

Who made the last incoming call on your phone?

My friend Husna.

What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?

I think it was a software for uni which was giving me such a bad time! I'm supposed to use it for my dissertation and it suddenly wouldn't work on my laptop, which is weird because I've been using the same thing on my laptop for 2 years already. I'd called the uni to fix the issue but they said they'd never encountered the problem before. So I uninstalled and installed it again at least 5 times but it still wouldn't work. I almost had a breakdown thinking that I might have to get a new laptop so that I could start on my work soon. Buttt all's good now alhamdulillah! Finally. Phew.

Last time you swam in a pool?

Ages ago! Probably more than a year ago.

Type of music you like most?

I don't like to answer this kind of questions, it's so hard. Next.

Are you listening to music right now?

Nope.

What color is your bedroom carpet?

Cream.

If you could change something about your home, without worry about expense or mess, what would you do?

I want a wallpaper on one of my bedroom walls, and more plants for the balcony. And shelves. And one huge wall covered in mirror like the ones you see in dance studios.

What was the last thing you bought?

A phone case for my friend.

Have you ever ridden on a motorbike?

Yes I have, but only sebagai pembonceng.

Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?

Just had a conversation about this with my friends yesterday! I decided that I'd go with skydiving. It's scary to just be hanging on a rope.

Do you have a garden?

Not in London, sadly.

What is the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning?

"What time is it?"

If you could eat lunch with one famous person, who would it be?

Just one?! So not fair. I think, as of right now, Yuna. She's just seen so much of the world and done so many things, met so many people. I have a lot of questions for her. And so many stories I wanna hear!

Who sent the last text message you received?

The reception, saying that I've received a parcel.

What time is bed time?

After 12am.

What did you do for your last birthday?

I had a picnic at Hyde Park with some friends. Najwa had so thoughtfully planned (and cooked) everything. Such a beautiful, beautiful day!

Do you carry a donor card?

I don't have one.

Who was the last person you ate dinner with?

Najwa and Husna.

Is the glass half empty or half full?

My glass is completely empty. But my bladder is full.

When's the last time you ate a homegrown tomato?

Tak pernah grow a tomato at home.

Are you a good cook?

Whoa now, I wouldn't go that far.

Do you know how to pump your own gas?

Yes!!! I'm a big girl now guys, I can do it without panicking anymore.

If you could meet any one person (from history or currently alive), who would it be?

Nenek.

Have you ever had to wear a uniform to school?

That's all I've ever worn throughout my whole school life.

What's under your bed?

Bags and shoes. Basically the loves of my life <3

Do you believe in love at first sight?

I do. That's how I end up with a lot of the stuff I own.

Think fast, what do you like right now?

Cereal.

Where were you on Valentine's day?

Cardiff. Quite surprised that I could remember this as Valentine's day is just another normal day for me. I only remember this because I can recall walking around Cardiff with my chaletmates and being super confused as to why so many people are holding flowers and balloons, only realising what day it was later that evening.

What time do you get up?

Late. Earliest these days would be 9.30am. I'd say 10am is my average :/

What was the name of your first pet?

Flo. It was a fighter fish my sister got as a party pack from her friend's birthday party hahaha my parents were not amused.

Is there anything going on this weekend?

No plans for the weekend so far.

How are you feeling right now?

Sleepy.

What do you think about the most?

Life, in general. But if I had to be specific, I think I think about the future a lot these days.

If you had A Big Win in the Lottery, how long would you wait to tell people?

Sorry, tak main lottery.

What is the last movie that you saw at the cinema?

Oh wow. I think it was Paper Towns over the summer. I think. I don't go to the cinema here in London because they (relatively) cost a bomb and the popcorn's so tawar, unlike TGV's caramel popcorn! Not even close!

Do you sing in the shower?

All. The. Time.

Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?

I don't have a credit card and I don't intend to get/ask for one. How to Prevent Life Debts & Bankruptcy 101.

What do you do most when you are bored?

Netflix and chill at home in my jammies with food. None of that haram double meaning thing going on here k guys!

What do you do for a living?

I study...........?

Do you love your job?

............ What matters is that I'm still alive.

What did you want to be when you grew up?

A cashier! I always found it so cool when I was a little girl. But then I grew up and became a regular on the other side of the cash register. So hello from the other side hahaha

If you could have any job, what would you want to do/be?

I don't know, I kind of want to try a little bit of everything. Why is there no Kidzania for adults? I need to know which job I'd like the most.

Which came first the chicken or the egg?

It's 12.41am right now. I'm thinking way too much about this. Can I not answer this question.

How many keys on your key ring?

Two, I think.

Where would you retire to?

Let me find a job first that I can actually retire from, k? Then can ask me this question again.

What kind of car do you drive?

Kereta kecil warna merah, boleh ku bawa ke sekolah.

If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation where would you go?

Everywhere!

What kind of books do you like to read?

Chick lits. Not very intellectual, but always a good means of temporary escape from reality.

What is your favourite time of the day?

All the time. I love the sunrise and sunset for their magnificent beauty, the early morning for its peace and tranquility (which I'm rarely awake for), the rest of the day for the presence of the sun, and the night for the stars and simply because I get to relax at home.

Where did you grow up?

Setiawangsa, the one and only! #madeinSetiawangsa

How far away from your birthplace do you live now?

6, 549 miles, to be specific.

What are you reading now?

If You Could See Me Now by Cecelia Ahern. In between reading journal articles for my dissertation.

Are you a morning person or a night owl?

As much as I honestly wish that I was a morning person, I'm very much a night owl.

Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

Yes I can! Haha #funfact

Can you close your eyes and raise your eyebrows?

... Yes. Why this question so weird one.

Do you have pets?

Back at home, yes. We have 9 cats. Or 8. I don't know, lost count already.

How many rings before you answer the phone?

Depends on who's calling.

What is your best childhood memory?

I have LOTS. Impossible to pick one!

What are some of the different jobs that you have had in your life?

I've only ever had one job, and that was after high school, at a play centre called Tumble Tots. I love working with kids and I wish to open my own kindergarten one day insyaAllah. Then you can all send your kids to me! Muahaha.

Any new and exciting things that you would like to share?

Boots was having a Black Friday/Cyber Monday sale this past weekend so I just bought myself some new makeup brushes!!!

What is most important in life?

FAMILY. Always and forever.